Synergy Newsletter June 2002


School of Tantra Synergy Newsletter June 2002 - Published by Janet Kira Lessin, C.T.I. and Sasha (Alex) Lessin, Ph.D. - www.schooloftantra.com

How can we move from a world where war and competition seem the main attractions to a world where peace, love and harmony juice everybody? Sasha and I the answer to share. Make love, tantric love--not war. We're off on summer tour--four Mainland trips by September `02.

Tantra and polyamory, two high spiritual paths and my greatest passion, next to my beloved Sasha, are featured in this
issue of Synergy Newsletter. The focus is more on polyamory than tantra and features several articles. Hope you enjoy them.

When we give workshops this summer, Sasha and I can coach, counsel and advise you in your hometown or nearby (especially if you let us know early). Say, "Aloha" to us at the poly conferences. We hope to connect with a few of you and if we synergize, maybe you'll return to Hawaii with us for more adventures in paradise.

Janet

This issue contains:

1 POLYAMORY: MORE LOVE FOR ALL
2 TANTRA SCHOOL
3 PEARLS AND PERILS OF PAIR DATING & GROUP MATING, JANET'S
ARTICLE
4 PEARLS AND PERILS OF PAIR DATING & GROUP MATING, THE WORKSHOP
5 TANTRA RITUAL FOR LOVING THE ONES YOU'RE WITH, OTHERS TOO
6 POLYAMOROUS TANTRIC COMMUNITY IN PARADISE
7 LESSINS SUMMER 2002 TOUR
8 LESSINS IN "INTIMACY"

About Us
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Articles  
Ancient Anthropology
Books by the Lessins
Counseling
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Education
Events
Joint Venture
Links
Phone Sessions
Photos
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Relationships
Schedule
Store
Tantra
Tantra Connection
Tantra School
Tantra Theosophical Society
Testimonials
Vision Statement
World Peace Association
World Polyamory  Assoc
World Tantra Association
Yoga

1 POLYAMORY: MORE LOVE FOR ALL (Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.)
[Reprinted from Loving More Magazine Summer, 1999]

What happens when you feel love for and sexual attraction to more than one person at the same time? Must you abandon, hurt and betray one lover and pledge sexual exclusivity to the other? Or can you include both rather than reject one of them?  The monogamous tradition--sexual loving with only one mate your whole life--may, for some people, be constricting and hurting you and those you cherish. And people hardly ever live up the monogamy ideal; they have affairs and divorce. Global censuses show 70% of men and 50% of women have extramarital affairs. As women age, the percentage of them with lovers other than their husbands increases. Divorce is rampant. In California, for example, the average marriage lasts only 4½ years.  Your loving feelings flow naturally to people who each can uniquely contribute to your development and you to theirs. 

So don't criticize yourself when you experience attraction to more than one person. Instead, consider the perspective of polyamory.  Polyamory--loving more than one person--offers an alternate perspective to monogamy. Polyamory provides other valid ways of sharing intimacy, family and community. Polyamory includes all forms of multi-partner relating, such as open relationships, intimate networks and various forms of polyfidelity (commitment to more than one)--triads, larger group marriages, intentional communities.

All these forms of polyamory can be ethical, supportive, honest and trusting. Polyamorous relations provide opportunities for you to know and heal yourself. You have a chance to replace shame and guilt with love and self-acceptance, to master communication and to fully feel your sexual energy. You learn to use jealous feelings that may arise to teach you what self-limitations you need to reprogram to feel free and present.  Polyamory gives you a model of relationships that includes rather than excludes people. It advocates, if you're so inclined, that you expand rather than limit intimacy in your life. 

The "poly" perspective extolls honest, profound, caring relationships that encompass more love for all, where everyone gets the attention, companionship and sexual sharing they need.  The poly perspective combines security, stability, disease safety and partnership (which it shares with the monogamous
perspective) with excitement, variety, pleasure, growth and expansion. It encourages mature, loving relations with more than one partner; it can support you becoming more fully alive, vibrant, passionate and loving.

We think Polyamory, loving more than one person at the same time, is always a good choice. No problem, love many.

But Polysexuality, more than one lover? Polyamory with polysexuality–one of several relationship options–works well for some people some of the time. But so, too, do any of the other relationship options--monogamy, singlehood, even celibacy works for other people some of the time.

Choose. We advocate CHOICE. Be the chooser, decider, author of this chapter of your life. We want you (and those you help) to make discerning choices that serve you (and them). Make choices that facilitate your personal growth and evolution and at the same time honor and respect the people you commit to love.

You have relationship options–monogamy, celibacy, open marriage, pair-bonded inclusive relating, triads (man-woman-man, woman-man-woman, man-man-man, woman-woman-woman) polyfidelity, loving networks, group marriage, multi-generational line marriage, and more. You have heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual alternatives within each.

Though you consult others, ultimately, you make your own choices, choices consonant with your stage of life, experience, needs at the time.

2 TANTRA SCHOOL

Chose from a wide variety of classes covering a multitude of subjects such as yoga, tantra, psychology, human sexuality, existentialism and relationship counseling. Tantra School is for both serious students and couples to learn the skills they need to create loving relationships, master tantra, become healers or learn how to be teachers and seminar presenters. Come to Maui and experience all that we have to give. Chose from a wide menu of
offerings during your stay such as: private instruction, classes, counseling, therapy, certification programs and degree accreditation along with sacred celebrations, pujas, relationship dating and support groups. Modalities include Tantra, Yoga, Gestalt, Voice Dialogue, Holotropic Breathwork, Spirit Releasement, Hypnotherapy, Imago Management, Existential Life Review, Childhood and Pastlife Regression Therapy. $495 week. We hold Tantra School whenever two or more students enroll. To register for private classes or Tantra School, email classes@schooloftantra.com. www.schooloftantra.com/Education.htm


3 PERILS AND PEARLS OF POLYAMORY [fom Loving More Magazine #23 (Janet)


Looking at the miracle of a pearl we see how a grain of dirt and the irritation it causes stimulates a natural response whereby in the process of protecting itself, the oyster creates a jewel of incredible beauty.

While in the midst of learning the art of relationships, it seems almost impossible to see how polyamory's dirt: jealousy, insecurity, fear, lack of communication skill and a myriad of other perils can be the stimulus for our personal evolution creating the pearls that await us. But it's true. Perhaps my path may best illustrate this.

I was a "mistake" when I was created. While in the womb my mother was deathly ill, tortured with her own guilt as she was unsure that she really wanted me. When I was born, my poor confused, schizophrenic mother alternately adored me then repeatedly tried to kill me. My Pleaser was born as a protection method to insure my survival. Having to focus on Mother and her needs and learning how to effectively pacify her violent part, I perfected the art of accommodation, even at my own expense.

My models of relating were my parents; two people who said they loved one another, yet rarely talked nor showed affection. My Father loved me, but he was emotionally unavailable as he was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of being a veteran of WWII.

Neither Mother nor Father were ever diagnosed nor helped.  We all just lived with it, and the repercussions of such a life.

I took these early patterns into my intimate relationships.  In my teens and twenties, I tended to play victim. I externalized and blamed, making the other partners the villain. Trying to escape my dysfunctional family, I married very young; at age 16. It was like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

My first husband suffering from his own childhood of physical abuse, beat me and cheated on me, had sex with other women (and denied it) and abandoned me. Our interactions consisted of either he being in my face in rage or abandoning me completely.  When I look back on these days what truly amazes me is not that the abuse was happening, but that the little girl I was back then put up with it.

I repeated that pattern of recreating my dynamics with my parents in my succeeding relationships in varying degrees for most of my life. Victim was my life's theme. With each succeeding relationship and reinforcement, my primary subpersonality became Pleaser and I identified with her and thought she was me. I was always the sweet little innocent girl who didn't make waves and was so soft-spoken and sweet, I bordered on the angelic.

My second husband, a true knight in shining armor, rescued me from disaster. After our initial passion, Jim progressively abandoned me as he was a workaholic. I was so lonely my emotional distress was severely affecting my health and I became physically ill.

Meanwhile, in my search for some form of intimate connection I fell into my computer and discovered a fascinating new invention called the internet. That was 1991.

I met a married man who lived 5000 miles from me which eventually led to an affair and the end of the monogamous chapter of my life. After two "failed" marriages spanning 24 years of my life, I figured there had to be a better way of relating than the painful marriages I had endured that seemed to offer little happiness.

And thus began the collection of my pearls.

Pearl 1 I deeply love more than one in an intimate, passionate fashion. When I fell in love with Evan, I did not stop loving my husband, Jim. What an incredible personal revolution.

Pearl 2: It is every bit as wrong to be the victim as the victimizer. As my life progressed I realized that the dynamics of dyads seem to foster my dysfunctional relating, allowing for no external system of checks and balances. With each succeeding relationship, my partner and I eventually became blind to our system as we moved further into our drama; our co-creation in a subconscious effort to reprogram and heal ourselves from our childhood wounds and the hurts from relationships before our current one.

Pearl 3 By shifting my physical location I could change my entire perspective and open my life to greater joy. When I moved from PA to HI, I realized my cultural conditioning and restrictive society I was living in was repressive and I was literally suffocating and dying. My distress had manifested itself in the form of lung disease and I was dying. Moving was perceived by my family as an extremely selfish thing for me to do, as my parents were elderly and
needed me. I was in a no-win situation till I learned what I wanted and let myself go for it. Then I began to distinguish who I really was from Pleaser, who'd dominated my subconscious. I began to develop an aware ego--center--and find me.

Pearl 4 There are no fairy godmothers or knights in shining armor. Evan couldn't rescue me anymore than Jim could. I have to do it myself.

Pearl 5 Polyamory may not feel any better than monogamy. When I moved from Pennsylvania to Hawaii, I began exploring various structures involving multiple partners. I became enormously uncomfortable as I couldn't escape my own dysfunctions by disappearing into many relations as I now had more to bust me on my stuff.

Pearl 6 Always be honest: I played mistress in Hawaii with Evan for two years. At times the wife knew we were seeing each other and other times she didn't. It didn't feel good for any of us and I felt guilty and my inner critic really beat me up.

Pearl 7 need to be included. I lived in what may be described as an "open marriage" for 4 years with a boyfriend where he didn't meet my partners and I didn't meet his, yet we knew about the others.  That hurt. I felt lonely and abandoned. I punished myself with my new self-imposed rules of polyamory that I "shouldn't" be jealous, and I felt horrible. I found that I like to discuss our adventures and learned the hard way that some people don't care to know what the other has done. I am far too curious for that to work for me.  When I don't know, my abandonment issues come up and I find myself
feeling quite jealous when I'm not there. As a result, I've learned to cut myself a break and honor where I am in the moment. My personal growth does not have to be huge steps which will only shut myself down. Baby steps are just fine.

Pearl 8 Despite how it looks, mirrors can be a blessing. We attract people who enact our inchoate, underdeveloped, suppressed, despised or otherwise disowned aspects, inner voices, shadow subselves and hated habits. We see in those we attract what we like least about ourselves. These "mirrors, reflect parts of us we need to accept, honor and enjoy n order to feel whole. In a polyamorous lifestyle, we have many mirrors to reflect back our many worts. We get a chance, with multiple lovers, to burn our karma on a polyamorous pyre.

By this time, I was gathering enough pearls to make quite a necklace.

In 1997, I met and married Dr. Sasha Lessin, a poly practitioner of 30 years. For a while I thought all my dreams had come true; my prayers answered. In reality, being involved with one of the most poly men on the planet put me on the emotional fast track. Sasha--involved in several tantric, polyamorous love nests across the country--had numerous lovers. Since he had just spent a year on the road visiting them, most of them reciprocated and
arrived on our door within those first three months of our relationship. Their non-verbalized expectations, either of me or of Sasha, required me to not be jealous. Oh boy, big trouble. At that point, the dam broke lose and I reacted adversely to just about everything. I felt jealous, hurt, insecure, abandoned, afraid, terrified and once quiet little angelic Janet began to cry, scream, yell and throw fits.

Pearl 9 Relax. Slow down. Breathe.

Pearl 10 I am absolutely, positively the worst candidate for community. I need my privacy. I get cranky from too much confusion and interaction. I need my own space.

Pearl 11 I like having a husband. I don't share very well. Nine months into my marriage with Sasha all hell broke lose. We had opened up our community to another couple. The man, Sam, thought he was a poly expert since he had lived 15 years in a large poly community in New Zealand. I felt he was a "poly nazi." His melodramatic wife was subject to temper tantrums. I had vetoed them from the start yet Sasha wanted them. Sasha and I had developed financial problems which destabilized us and we had moved into an intense negative bonding pattern where we frequently fought. Sasha
felt those poly "experts" could help. This brew was an unstable mixture bound to explode.

The other couple convinced Sasha that I was his main problem and threatened to leave if I didn't stop crying, quarreling and being upset. I found myself on a plane; banished, alone and living on another island. I had now found myself in my life's darkest hour. I survived my extremely painful existence and earned my reward and found my greatest love, my deepest soul connection and twin flame. Now Sasha and I were finished, forever. We would never
touch again. I was truly alone. I had never felt so sad in my entire life.

Pearl 12 Love is: Somewhere in the midst of my greatest pain, I came to a realization that despite the fact of all that was happening, I loved Sasha. I may never see him again, yet that did not change what I felt. I love Sasha. I knew in that moment that I loved him, forever, always and completely, unconditionally, no matter what else happened. I knew that I have love and I have this incredible ability to love and that love is with me always and
forever and that no one can ever take that away from me.

As awful as this felt, if I had not dared to venture into this incredibly difficult and frightening poly path, I would never have realized this most precious pearl of all. By knowing love and experiencing love outside of myself, I grew to realize that the love was really not "out there" or "in them" but that the greatest love of all is right here, always with me, inside me and it IS me.

Our love was too strong to allow us to part. Stubborn thing, love is. Sometimes, despite all reasoning and logic, love seems to prevail. Sasha and I couldn't leave each other and thus we gradual found the way back home to one another. Somewhere during my struggles I evolved and realized that could no longer blame the other and the world and had to take responsibility for my life, my issues and my actions. Here I thought I was "safe" having married one of the world's greatest shrinks as surely he would be able to deal with my issues. Reality is, he's human too. Despite all this clarity, I still have the tendency time and again to revert to blame. Reality is, I am very difficult to live with and I have only to blame my own inner triad: me, myself and I.

When I think about it, my poly life has perhaps been even more stressful than my monogamous one. In monogamy I could at least remain in some fictional world of denial and dysfunction. Polyamory somehow is more real, alive and in my face.

Polyamory can end in divorce. One couple we know, married for 9 years are now reconstructing their relationship by getting a divorce and remaining business partners and friends. Another couple married for 10 years plus had a huge public party celebrating their divorce. She's getting married to someone else next month. They too have decided to remain friends. Yet another long-time married couple are "married" once a week. Every Wednesday they are totally committed to one another for that day, with complete devotion for the duration of their interaction, then total autonomy in the
interim with no questions asked till they meet again the following week.

It amazes me when people attempt this alone. I don't know how anyone out there does any kind of relationships; monogamous or polyamorous without counseling seminars, workshops, or emersing themselves in a psychotherapeutic community.

Sasha and I have arrived at our bliss. What works well for us is inclusive loving, with each of us having a veto on one
another's sexual involvement. All sexualloving takes place in each others' presence.

Relating to other couples has to be right for each and every one of us, no small requirement, since we're bi, eccentric and intense and need all-round approbation with our lovers. We have discovered that tantric healing, regression therapy and reprogramming work. We're now dating couples and singles committed to full-clearing as well as polyamory. It is a life-process. We now enjoy the ride.

When loving others together, when we or someone we are dating becomes upset, we honor the upset whenever they occur and stop whatever's going on, even sexual celebration, and focus our attention on the upset person. If we cannot resolved the upset in the present, we ask the destabilized person to return experientially to earlier times or even pastlife images of similar upsets that may be fueling her current upset.

With each revelation we continue to gather the pearls. Now they are not only our own, but include our dear beloveds.

One recent revelation I had regarding the perceived dichotomy (monogamy vs. polyamory) which creates the division, controversy, stress, seizing children, adversity and even sometimes violent reactions to polyamory, is how conflicted we feel when not coming to grips will the parts of ourselves which create our personal hells. My own personal struggle, "am I polyamorous, am I monogamous" has created a great deal of distress for myself.

As I fell asleep the other day, I asked Sasha, "Is it ok I'm monogamous? I mean, I really am. I'm mono (one) gamous (married).  Married to one and I have no desire to marry another. Yet, I truly am poly (many) amorous (love) as I love many and want to make love to them." He smiled and his eyes sparkled as he said "Of course!"

And I fell asleep and had the greatest peace I've known in the longest time.

All parts and voices are in us and valid . We truly can at last give ourselves permission to have our cake and eat it too, then others may relax and find peace as well.  

4 PERILS & PEARLS of PAIR DATING & GROUP MATING: THE WORKSHOP
Loving More West Coast Conference, Harbin Hot Springs, CA, June 15,
2002, 4 PM

Participants share their experiences poly dating singles, couples, triads and moresomes. Janet and Sasha Lessin, perennial polys, provide an intimate interview structure where participants practice vetting each other in ways that can lead to friendship or more. 1-800-424-9561 or http://lovemore.com/lmcons.html


5 TANTRA RITUAL FOR LOVING THE ONES YOU'RE WITH, OTHERS TOO
Loving More East Coast Summer Conference at Ramblewood Retreat, MD
August 2 - 4, 2002

Learn to love in ways that make you feel secure, sensual, empowered, open-hearted, heard, supported and spiritually encouraged. In this beginning circle, sharing within the limits of choice, enjoy directed supportive encounters, tantric energy exchanges, visualizations and communications exercises."
Compersion and linkage exercises. 1-800-424-9561 or http://lovemore.com/lmcons.html

6 POLYAMOROUS TANTRIC COMMUNITY IN PARADISE

Perhaps you long for family, for tribe, the families you were born into dispersed--parents dead, siblings distant, kids moved. Are you ready for something new? Maybe you share our vision--a tribe of soul synergists, enjoying life and intimacy to the max in paradise. Together, we rescript outgrown limits we imprinted. When I look at the love that Sasha and I share, I think our love is "perfect" and I feel blessed. Part of me wants to judge and deny and looks at "perfect" from the perspective of others. Yet when I look from my highest self, at Sasha and I as a pair, we still seem
perfect because we have an authentic relationship, open and honest.  We are twin flame souls who've rediscovered one another after centuries apart as well as lifetimes shared. Our love is intense, our devotion total, our dedication complete. As I look back on my life, I know our love is our greatest accomplishment and highest gift to all beings. We feel full with one another, whole, complete, peaceful within from our inner-dependency, safe to experience all the emotions of the human condition: mad, sad, glad or afraid. Our hearts swell and overflow and we're ready to receive mutually chosen
members of a new family. We seek six to twelve adults for our Maui family and other beloveds for our global community. 

Contact us if you want to join our experiment in conscious community and do better with us here in Hawaii, better than parents and society. In our community, we shed fears, inhibitions, judgments; we see beauty and divinity in each other. Here, you can love more than one. You feel bigger than just the life within your bag of skin. You experience oneness with others. Surrender to love and find yourself. Co-create community as a model for the return of the partnership society with true equality for all; men, women, adults, children and other creatures who share our lives. Each member will be honored and supported on all chakra levels, so that they might do what they love and love what they do. Maui gifts a special few to bliss, as good as it gets here on Earth. Our island cleanses you with verdure, heals you in her waters. Dr. Sasha and I have a beautiful, breeze-swept four-story home to share; it hugs the mountainside rainforest over the ocean. Potential Community Members (mature non-smoking, tidy, self-supporting adults): Email us at community@schooloftantra.com for an interview. We'd love to hear from you. Mahalo (that means "thanks" in Hawaiian) Check our website
at http://www.schooloftantra.com/Relationships/Community.htm

7 LESSINS SUMMER 2002 TOUR

Janet & Sasha will be in the San Francisco area mid-June to present "The Pearls and Perils of Pair Dating & Group Mating" at the West Coast Loving More Conference at Harbin Hot Springs June 14-16 - (www.lovemore.com) 

In July you can join them in Los Angeles at the International Hypnosis Federation Conference (www.hypnosisfederation.com) on the Queen Mary (permanantly docked) for two days of events. July 18, 9 AM - 5PM the Lessins present "Holotropic Breathing Experience" On Saturday, July 20 they
present a talk in the morning called "Voice Dialogue for You & You & You" and an afternoon playshop called "Celebrate Your Subpersonalities". In 

August they head east to Ramblewood, MD to the East Coast Loving More Conference (www.lovemore.com) August 2-4, 2002 where they present a "Tantra Ritual" Come join us at our workshops and presentations and/or call and schedule your private, personalized session with us (808-244-4103).

8 LESSINS IN "INTIMACY"

July 2001 Janet and Sasha were filmed by Joshua Townshend-Zellner and the good people at Alchemy Productions: http://www.AlchemyProductions.net. We recently received an announcement that the film is scheduled to be released this summer.  Intimacy. A provocative documentary that delves deep into what makes ordinary romantic relationships intimate. Does a long relationship make for a good relationship? How do real couples make their relationships thrive instead of just survive.

School of Tantra, 1371 Malaihi Road, Wailuku, Maui, HI 96793
Janet Kira & Sasha Lessin, Ph. D.
808-244-4103 (office), 877-244-4103 (voice mail) 808-280-5275 (cell)
www.schooloftantra.com, tantra@schooloftantra.com
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