RELATIONSHIPS
MONOGAMY

Janet Kira Lessin, P.T.S. * & Sasha Lessin, Ph. D.

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Higamous, hogamous, woman monogamous. Hogamous, higamous, man polygamous.

Is monogamy natural? Of course. So is polyandry (one woman, many men), polygamy (one man, many women), polyamory (loving more than one in an intimate relationship) and tribes (extended families).

Humans naturally pair bond. Even in group situations we have favorites. We feel infatuation, get romantic, fall in love and often marry.

DNA testing shows that most of the species on the planet, including humans, are not monogamous (one mate for life). Statistics show that human beings are also unfaithful. DNA tests support statistics and show that infidelity abounds among humans.

     Monogamy works well for some people some of the time; some people all of the time, but most people some of the time. Folks in our society are mostly serial monogamists, singles or married and cheating.  So what do you do if you want to be monogamous in a culture that’s increasingly embracing other norms of relating?

Counseling helps. Get clear on what you really want in a relationships. Come from your center when you make relationship choices; don’t choose on the basis of social pressures or pressure from your Pleaser. A Pleaser is a part of you (subpersonality) that does what others want you to do so you’re accepted and don’t get criticized or shamed.

If you evaluate yourself then explore your relationship dynamics as a couple and you come up with monogamy as your relating option, then it’ll more likely stick. If you decide on monogamy because someone else or some unconscious part of you wants it, you’ll more than likely fail. Chose your relationship structure and/or sexual orientation consciously, from your Center (Aware Ego) and your life will flow much smoother. The truth sets you free to be yourself.

Tell each other your truths without blame or judgment. Share fantasies, thoughts and ideas that you normally would keep to yourself. When you share on that deep level, you can be known. In order to truly love yourself, heal and become whole and complete, you must be known and accepted as you truly are, not as others want you to be. It serves no one and betray yourself if you live life through a facade.


     Just because you reveal an idea or fantasy doesn’t mean you need to automatically act on it. Thoughts expressed are simply information. As a couple, reflect upon this information. Digest, internalize, express, discuss, analyze, evaluate and discover what works for both of you. You’re a system, a two-headed amoeba. What works for both of you must work for each of you.

Be flexible. Remain open-minded. Go with the flow and be ready to change throughout your relationship. Inflexibility kills relationships. We all naturally grow and change. If we change consciously, the universe will catalyze change for us. When the universe catalyzes, change is usually quite intense, dramatic and emotional.

Remember you’re a system and all systems need perturbations–variety of inputs, disturbances of status quo--to grow and expand. Couples who honor one another, speak honestly, authentically and clearly, (even when there may be repercussions) last longest.

It may be rough to always tell the truth. Truth, Blanton’s Radical Honesty, is a new paradigm that most have never experienced. Better to have consequences and deal with them consciously as adults then to create drama when one partner discovers the other’s lies.

Monogamous, polyamorous, which one’s more glamorous?

Both relationship systems have ups and downs. Both existed for thousands of years. The important thing is not what you chose, but that you are the chooser making the choice.

Private sessions available for monogamy counseling at $150/hour.  Call 808-244-4103.
Email: schooloftantra@aol.com

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Select any of the following:

Monogamy Counseling/Coaching Session $150
How to Really Love A Woman - $150            
How to Really Love A Man - $150              
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