Confused and clear. After almost ten years of active poly dating, I am both more confused than ever and understand there's a reason for everything. It's all perfectly logical, yet my poor walking-wounded, inner child, still longs for peace, love and satisfaction. When will she ever stop seeking it outside of herself? When will she ever find harmony and peace? 

     Sasha and I, after fours years soul-searching have found ourselves, know who we are to each other and have bliss. But when we met, Sasha was reeling from a divorce; the end of his 18-year marriage. I was suffering in two dead-end, dysfunctional relations. Looking back on where we were and how far we've come, I am proud of us. 

     Sasha and I learned that if something doesn't work for us both of us, it won't work for either. After much experimentation, we chose a poly model that works for both of us called mono-poly or pair-bonded dating (see Are We Really Mono-Poly? Loving More Magazine #22, Spring 2000).  This system of couples dating seems to work well for us and for those we introduce it to. In mono-poly, Sasha and I are partly monogamous; it's just the two of us who live together, work, play, and figure out who scrubs the toilets, takes out the garbage and pays the bills. We follow our tantric practice, connecting sexually twice daily. We "do life" together. 

     We are also partly polyamorous. We want a community of lovers here in Maui and we also want Heinlein "nests" of lovers off island. Together Sasha and I date other couples and occasional, very-special singles. We experience the entire date, including sexual loving, together, in the same room. 

     Poly pairs who date separately too often find their primary relationships "in trouble". Their imaginations create monsters, jealousies and insecurities from subconscious issues which seep into their current loves. Drama and melodrama ensues. Some succeed at this dance. Yet I've often seen upset accompany separate dating. Despite all the work I have done on myself, I am not jealousy-free. Sasha seems to be clear of the immature attitudes, fear and jealousy I possess. But, he and I are a system, interconnected. In our relationship, as in a machine, if a screw is lose, it affects the entire mechanism; and if that screw isn't tightened, the whole machine or relationship breaks. 

     "Shoulds" constellate my Inner Rebel. My Rebel does the opposite of what others ask. So rules like "Don't be jealous" or "Let Sasha be with lovers without you", don't work for me. Sasha and I work, with great diligence and patience, on my lose screws. It's frustrating at times. I have patience with my path to healing. I have progress. My wounds are deep. It takes time and effort. 

Just when I had it "figured out" and Sasha and I were comfortable in our mono-poly life, we received a "Dear John" letter from our two long-term lovers, G & R on September 9th. They declared "time out" from our relationship. I felt crushed. Sasha and I decided to give them the space they requested. 

     Heartbreak. I tried to figure out what I'd done "wrong", assuming this parting must be all "my fault". Sasha listened to me re-run our last tryst with G & R. I expressed and catharted till I exhausted him. I handed it over to my dream self to fuss and fume. My logical self knew I wasn't to blame; however my child screamed. She felt deserted and tugged at me for her attention whenever I tried to return to work and "normal" life. 

     I was distracted from my turmoil when I woke to the news on September 11th that the world as I'd known it collapsed. I used the bombing to further criticize myself. How could I be so selfish and petty, grieving for lost lovers when people were dying from exploding buildings and planes? 

     I'd written an article recounting one of our dates with G & R for Ryam for Loving More. Too understand why G & R left, I read the article again.  Here is what I wrote from our encounter at the Loving More Conference this past summer (2001): 

     G & R came out of the closet, walked into our world at the Loving More Conference. There I admired a beautiful Goddess, J, in the hot tub. As Sasha hugged me, J noticed me, floated up and met me eye-to-eye. She "saw" me and there was this knowingness. Sasha introduced us but my head spun; names and words were meaningless. He pointed to her mate, B, who was every bit the God to her Goddess, and I gazed from her to him, him to her, then to Sasha. Simultaneously, all our faces lighted with smiles. Our hearts and souls rejoiced with knowingness. Our soul groups celebrated with a new homecoming. 

     In my mind, I pondered, "What should I do?" I'd exclusively committed to G & R. Yet here was amazing energy with these two new people. I followed my instincts and leveled with them. "Sasha and I are here with our lovers, G & R. If you'd like to meet them and we all click, well who knows?" 

     When we met, the connection was there, all the way around, all six of us! Sasha, G & R and I invited the new couple to our cabin with (we said) no expectations. With the freedom of no expectations came the bliss of six, my most magic night of love thus far. 

     I fell asleep basking in the glow of our six-way love. We have fulfilled the prophecy laid out by the late Robert Rimmer in The Harrad Experiment; a vision of three couples uniting at graduation. Yes, thank you, Robert, we all indeed had graduated. 

     Ryam had told us she would hold off publishing my article on our encounter. She advised me to wait a while and see how it goes as things may not work out with the new couple. Momma Ryam is always so wise. She was right in a way. But life often proves to be so ironic. 

     Two weeks ago Hollywood called us and wanted us to appear on the TV show, Talk or Walk and discuss polyamory. Sash and I love to go out on the limb and talk about the poly lifestyle as so many times it has helped someone accept themselves and make effective changes in their lives. Coming out poly is low-risk for us as we have no children and all our parents are deceased. Since Talk or Walk is a conflict show, the producers wanted us on with someone monogamous. I suggested my sister. They also wanted us on with our lovers. Since G & R were out of the picture, we called our "new" couple, J & B, who we had met at Harbin. 

     We were all flown to Hollywood; my sister from Pennsylvania, Sasha and I from Maui, Hawaii and J & B from the Bay Area. The show was a success and afterwards, we had a magical time with our new lovers. J & B are wonderful, beautiful, incredible souls. We decided to go deeper in our love and have made plans to spend an extended period of time with each other here in our Maui paradise. 

     Meanwhile, we hold space in love for the possible return of G &R. If they should decide to remain apart from us physically, they'll forever remain in our hearts. 

     Marianne Williamson said in "A Course In Miracles", "It ain't up to us who God sends us". I see wisdom in the universal plan. I honor the love I see in those who come to me. Since Sept. 11th, each moment has become more precious and Sasha and I have greater appreciation for every breath we take. We truly don't know how long we each have to dance on this earth. So we honor the love that's here now. 

     I thank G & R for letting me feel my own self worth. I can be happy with or without you and I'm without attachment to the form love "should" take.  When I let go of you, I opened to J & B. And if J & B should decide to leave us, Sasha and I will continue the dance while honoring the rhythm of relationships as we contact and withdraw from each other and our family of souls.