WHEN YOUR BELOVED LOVES ANOTHER

The following is Sasha's public coming-out article on his public coming–out as polyamorous back in the 1980s.  The article stirred up quite a controversy on Maui, where he published it in Mauiana Magazine.  He and his second wife, Joan, had for a decade posed as paragons of monogamous couplehood.  Publication of this essay led to months of upset letters to the editor.

 Use upsets--even your mate loving another--to know and love yourself more, overcome jealousy and refine your relation.  I did.

 When my wife, Joan, asked if I'd be OK if she made it with a guest, River, I acted mellow, even went to a hotel to so I wouldn't distract them and they could enjoy our house in privacy.
 
 But in the hotel, I brooded, compared how she adored River with how she criticized me.  I felt hurt, angry, left-out, jealous.

 Then, after awhile, I remembered and used one of Ken Keyes' cures for jealousy.*  Keyes says to see jealousy as a combination of domination demands (e.g., "I want Joan to think only of me,") and fear ("I'm scared she'll dump me.").   Fear comes from your security center, or root chakra.  Anger and domination demands erupt from your gut, your power center.  Running on only fear and anger makes you feel separate, unable to lovingly empathize.  You can empathize again if you feel-out the same situation from your heart chakra. [Handbook to Higher Consciousness, pages 44-82.] 
 
Following Ken's advice, I felt Joan's affair from my heart.  In my heart I knew Joan and River's delight with each other.  I remembered they also loved me; and I loved them again.   Though I loved Joan again, I still rankled from the years I'd suffered her caustic criticism.  When, next day, I came home, I told her how her criticism hurt me. 

  She shared the reason, hidden for ten years, she'd been so critical.  "I hated hearing you tell the day's gruesome news on our morning runs."   My tales of oil spills and animal suffering first made her sad, then, as I persisted, mad. 

 So she'd retaliated and found fault with me despite my complying with all her critical suggestions.  She'd  held-in her real gripe: my news.  She'd kept displacing her anger into petty criticism.

 After we talked this through, I stopped reporting news and she stopped criticizing.  Then we revealed our feelings more and consequently resolved our issues better.

So if your sweetheart seeks another, don't despair.  Rise above fear and control; let love lead you.  Open your heart, tell the truth and you'll continue to grow.

                                  HONOR JEALOUSY AND COMPERSION
 Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.   

 My wife, Janet, and I teach the Voice Dialogue perspective to evoke and strengthen each person's Aware Ego--his or her discerning center.  Voice Dialogue moved several polys we counseled into ever-more loving and accepting Aware Ego perspectives. Voice Dialogues and meditations (like The Compersion - Jealousy Meditation below) helped them celebrate themselves and the multiplicity of selves within each of their partners.

 We suggest you balance your Jealous Voice with a Compersive Voice--one that rejoices at the joy your lovers share with others. Your Compersive voice is your compassionate, great hearted, gracious, accepting, agape side, enraptured by the beauty and ecstasy of your lovers' delight with each other.

 When you balance your jealous and compersive voices and can hear and satisfy both, you transcend them; you are at your center or Aware Ego. Your Aware Ego values jealousy and compersion.

 It hears and honors the needs, hurts and fears of the Child within you that the Jealous Voice protects. The Aware Ego effectively addresses the concerns of the Jealous Voice that you protect the Child. The Aware Ego also lets your Compersive Voice enjoy and--vicariously, physically or both--share friendship, sensuality and affection with your lovers.

                          COMPERSION - JEALOUSY ROLE PLAY MEDITATION

 Sit up and center yourself on a chair or cushion. This seat is the position for your Aware Ego, the place from which you can hear both your Jealous and Compersive voices.

 Consider your Jealous Voice, the part of you that fears competition and loss. What's your Jealous Voice like? What does it do for you.

 Physically move your body to a new seat, one where you can ROLE PLAY being your jealous voice. On this seat, you can let you jealous side speak. You can hear and accept it from a neutral, listening Aware Ego.

 When you've moved, become your Jealous Voice. Express aloud what you do for the person in whom you dwell, what your job is. If you, Jealous Voice, ran your person's life, what would you have him or her do? What, Jealous Voice, do you want and what do you really need?

 When did you first become a powerful voice in your person's life? How long have you been around? What's your history, Jealous Voice? What situations brought you out and how did you protect your person from pain, from feeling inferior? How do you did you protect your person's vulnerable Inner Child in the past? How do you do it in her or his life now?

     What, Jealous Voice, are your concerns in terms of loss of attention and care from your lovers? To what degree are these concerns warranted and to what degree are they unsubstantiated?

     What, Jealous Voice, would you like to be acknowledged and appreciated for?

     Now, stop identifying with your Jealous Voice and return to the Aware Ego position, the place you first sat. Center yourself again, and become your Aware Ego.

     From your Aware Ego, your center, contemplate your Compersive side, the part of you that rejoices at the joy your lovers share with others. Then move to a position for that self.

     Become your Compersive side. Say aloud how you are, what you do for your person. State the main times you came out in your person's, times you came out helped. Tell your person what you'd like to be appreciated for.

     Say, Compersive Voice, the areas of your person's life nowadays where you'd like him or her to rejoice at the love, joy and healing she or he shares with others.

     Return to the Aware Ego seat. Summarize what your Jealous and Compersive Voices said.

     Feel midway between your Jealous and Compersive Voices; simultaneously feel and appreciate both. Discuss how you can honor both in your poly relationships.

     * More on Voice Dialogue: Stone, H. & S., Embracing Our Selves and Embracing Each Other, both 1989, New
World Library.

COUPLE DATING ANOTHER COUPLE  Janet Kira Lessin

  Somewhere around the middle of my second twelve-year marriage I woke up with an incredible revelation, "I'm sexually bored!"  That frightened me horribly, so I promptly tried to censor and deny it.  How could I think such a thought?  I was still in love with my husband, John, so the idea that I might be sexually bored troubled me deeply. He was a wonderful lover, so it wasn't a comment on his lovemaking abilities.  Also, we were getting along quite well, so that wasn't it.  What was wrong with me?

 While I pondered those thoughts and struggled with the feelings, another revelation came to mind.  I remembered how upset I was with my girlfriend when she told me her husband had talked her into becoming a swinger.  Now, suddenly, I had a new understanding of swingers and why they chose diversity in their lovemaking.  

 Despite the mores and attitudes of world in which I was reared (the late 1980s), I knew there had to be another way of doing relationships, yet couldn't quite figure it out as I had not heard of polyamory back then.  I knew there had to be some way to combine the two; the love and intimacy of the primary bond of a monogamous marriage and the diversity and sexual adventure of swinging.  I filed these thoughts deep in my subconscious for future reference and promptly showered for work and returned to my Stepford Wife-life in conservative Middle America.

 Many years later I now live an incredible life that was previously inconceivable to me and remains a secret fantasy for much of our society.  My latest husband, Sasha, and I date other couples together.  And we love it. 

 Remember the thrill of that first meeting, eyes discovering one another across the room, that smile? Then you got to know one another and discovered that the attraction was mutual.  Next came that first kiss, first touch, first time making love and that seemingly endless, boundless, new relationship energy that kept you up till dawn.   Sometimes you'd share your adventures with your best bud.  You'd be so excited, you'd talk away the night replaying each romantic moment, laughing, crying, over and over and all the while your best friend would experience your joy as if it were her own.   Finally, you took the big step and settled down with that special someone.  But somehow, despite how marvelous things seemed to be, the newness began to fade.

 I feel as if Sasha and I have discovered some incredible secret to external romantic bliss and excitement.  We have found a way where we don't have to stop dating, yet have the intimacy, security, love and intensity of a romantic, committed relationship.  We have truly found a way to have our cake and eat it too!  

 Our life is so exciting.  With every adventure we share with another couple, we bring incredible energy back to our love and it enhances our relationship, makes it deepen and grow, and actually become larger with each liaison.  We only make love together and never do anything off stage, so nothing is hidden.  We honor each other's tastes and desires and give each other absolute veto power with no questions asked.   We have given one another permission to be real and authentic, and this allows us to move from that old paradigm of forbidden items of discussion, to a new one of total openness and honesty.  

 If we don't push one another or attempt to control and manipulate but remain conscious, patient and honor each others' Inner Children, then compromise is never even required.  We eventually get everything we deeply want from a natural evolution which flows graciously into win/win.

 As a result, we remain totally in love, completely loyal and devoted to each other.  While we realize that one cannot make another person happy, we are there for each others' process of personal growth and evolution.   From this space of feeling full and complete, our ever-expanding love grows and overflows and we reach out with abundance to share our bliss with others.

PERILS AND PEARLS OF POLYAMORY

 Looking at the miracle of a pearl we see how a grain of dirt and the irritation it causes stimulates a natural response whereby in the process of protecting itself, the oyster creates a jewel of incredible beauty. 

 While in the midst of learning the art of relationships, it seems almost impossible to see how polyamory's dirt: jealousy, insecurity, fear, lack of communication skill and a myriad of other perils can be the stimulus for our personal evolution creating the pearls that await us.  But it's true.  Perhaps my path may best illustrate this.

 I was a "mistake" when I was created.  While in the womb my mother was deathly ill, tortured with her own guilt as she was unsure that she really wanted me.  When I was born, my poor confused, schizophrenic mother alternately adored me then repeatedly tried to kill me.  My Pleaser was born as a protection method to insure my survival.  Having to focus on Mother and her needs and learning how to effectively pacify her violent part, I perfected the art of accommodation, even at my own expense.

 My models of relating were my parents; two people who said they loved one another, yet rarely talked nor showed affection.  My Father loved me, but he was emotionally unavailable as he was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of being a veteran of WWII. 

 Neither Mother nor Father were ever diagnosed nor helped.  We all just lived with it, and the repercussions of such a life.

 I took these early patterns into my intimate relationships.  In my teens and twenties, I tended to play victim.  I externalized and blamed, making the other partners the villain.  Trying to escape my dysfunctional family, I married very young; at age 16.  It was like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
 
 My first husband suffering from his own childhood of physical abuse, beat me and cheated on me, had sex with other women (and denied it) and abandoned me.  Our interactions consisted of  either he being in my face in rage or abandoning me completely.  When I look back on these days what truly amazes me is not that the abuse was happening, but that the little girl I was back then put up with it.

 I repeated that pattern of recreating my dynamics with my parents in my succeeding relationships in varying degrees for most of my life.  Victim was my life's theme.  With each succeeding relationship and reinforcement, my primary subpersonality became Pleaser and I identified with her and thought she was me.  I was always the sweet little innocent girl who didn't make waves and was so soft-spoken and sweet, I bordered on the angelic.

 My second husband, a true knight in shining armor, rescued me from disaster.  After our initial passion, Jim progressively abandoned me as he was a workaholic.  I was so lonely my emotional distress was severely affecting my health and I became physically ill. 

 Meanwhile, in my search for some form of intimate connection I fell into my computer and discovered a fascinating new invention called the internet.  That was 1991.

 I met a married man who lived 5000 miles from me which eventually led to an affair and the end of the monogamous chapter of my life.  After two "failed" marriages spanning 24 years of my life, I figured there had to be a better way of relating than the painful marriages I had endured that seemed to offer little happiness.

 And thus began the collection of my pearls.

Pearl 1: I deeply love more than one in an intimate, passionate fashion.  When I fell in love with Evan, I did not stop loving my husband, Jim.  What an incredible personal revolution.

Pearl 2: It is every bit as wrong to be the victim as the victimizer.  As my life progressed I realized that the dynamics of dyads seem to foster my dysfunctional relating, allowing for no external system of checks and balances.  With each succeeding relationship, my partner and I eventually became blind to our system as we moved further into our drama; our co-creation in a subconscious effort to reprogram and heal ourselves from our childhood wounds and the hurts from relationships before our current one.

Pearl 3: By shifting my physical location I could change my entire perspective and open my life to greater joy.  When I moved from PA to HI, I realized my cultural conditioning and restrictive society I was living in was repressive and I was literally suffocating and dying.  My distress had manifested itself in the form of lung disease and I was dying.  Moving was perceived by my family as an extremely selfish thing for me to do, as my parents were elderly and needed me.  I was in a no win situation.  By learning what I wanted and giving myself permission to follow those wants, I began to distinguish who I really was from Pleaser, who had so dominated my subconscious.  I began to develop an aware ego, or center and find me.

Pearl 4:  There are no fairy godmothers or knights in shining armor.  Evan couldn't rescue me anymore than Jim could.  I have to do it myself.

Pearl 5: Polyamory may not feel any better than monogamy.  When I moved from Pennsylvania to Hawaii, I began exploring various structures involving multiple partners.  I became enormously uncomfortable as I couldn't escape my own dysfunctions by disappearing into many relations as I now had more to bust me on my stuff.

Pearl 6: Always be honest:  I played mistress in Hawaii with Evan for two years.  At times the wife knew we were seeing each other and other times she didn't.  It didn't feel good for any of us and I felt guilty and my inner critic really beat me up.

Pearl 7: I need to be included.  I lived in what may be described as a"open marriage" for 4 years with a boyfriend where he didn't meet my partners and I didn't meet his, yet we knew about the others.  That hurt.  I felt lonely and abandoned.  I punished myself with my new self-imposed rules of polyamory that I "shouldn't" be jealous, and I felt horrible. I found that I like to discuss our adventures and learned the hard way that some people don't care to know what the other has done.  I am far too curious for that to work for me.  When I don't know, my abandonment issues come up and I find myself feeling quite jealous when I'm not there. As a result, I've learned to cut myself a break and honor where I am in the moment.  My personal growth does not have to be huge steps which will only shut myself down.  Baby steps are just fine.

Pearl 8: Despite how it looks, mirrors can be a blessing.  We attract people who enact our inchoate, underdeveloped, suppressed, despised or otherwise disowned aspects, inner voices, shadow subselves and hated habits.  We see in those we attract what we like least about ourselves.  These "mirrors, reflect parts of us we need to accept, honor and enjoy n order to feel whole. In a polyamorous lifestyle, we have many mirrors to reflect back our many worts.  We get a chance, with multiple lovers, to burn our karma on a polyamorous pyre.

 By this time, I was gathering enough pearls to make quite a necklace.

 Three years ago, I met and married Dr. Sasha Lessin, a poly practitioner of 30 years.  For a while I thought all my dreams had come true; my prayers answered.  In reality, being involved with one of the most poly men on the planet put me on the emotional fast track.  Sasha, being involved in several tantric, polyamorous love nests across the country, had numerous lovers.  Since he had just spent a year on the road visiting them, most of them reciprocated and arrived on our door within those first three months of our relationship.  Their non-verbalized expectations, either of me or of Sasha, required me to not be jealous.  Oh boy, big trouble.  At that point, the dam broke lose and  I reacted adversely to just about everything.  I felt jealous, hurt, insecure, abandoned, afraid, terrified and once quiet little angelic Janet began to cry, scream, yell and throw fits.

Pearl 9: Relax.  Slow down.  Breathe.

Pearl 10:  I am absolutely, positively the worst candidate for community.  I need my privacy.  I get cranky from too much confusion and interaction. I need my own space. 

Pearl 11: I like having a husband.  I don't share very well.  Nine months into my marriage with Sasha all hell broke lose.  We had opened up our community to another couple. The man, Sam, thought he was a poly expert since he had lived 15 years in a large poly community in New Zealand.  I felt he was a "poly Nazi."  His melodramatic wife was subject to temper tantrums.  I had vetoed them from the start yet Sasha wanted them.  Sasha and I had developed financial problems which destabilized us and we had moved into an intense negative bonding pattern where we frequently fought.  Sasha felt those poly "experts" could help.  This brew was an unstable mixture bound to explode.

 The other couple convinced Sasha that I was his main problem and threatened to leave if I didn't stop crying, quarreling and being upset.  One thing led to another and soon I found myself on a plane; banished, alone and living on another island. 

 I had now found myself in my life's darkest hour.  Having survived my extremely painful existence,  I had at last earned my reward and found my greatest love, my deepest soul connection and twin flame.  Now Sasha and I were finished, forever.  We would never touch again.  I was truly alone. I had never felt so sad in my entire life. 

Pearl 12: LOVE IS:   Somewhere in the midst of my greatest pain, I came to a realization that despite the fact of all that was happening, I loved Sasha.  I may never see him again, yet that did not change what I felt.  I love Sasha.  I knew in that moment that I loved him, forever, always and completely, unconditionally, no matter what else happened.  I knew that  I have love and I have this incredible ability to love and that love is with me always and forever and that no one can ever take that away from me. 
 
 As awful as this felt, if  I had not dared to venture into this incredibly difficult and frightening poly path, I would never have realized this most precious pearl of all.  By knowing love and experiencing love outside of myself, I grew to realize that the love was really not "out there" or "in them" but that the greatest love of all is right here, always with me, inside me and it IS me.

 Our love was too strong to allow us to part.  Stubborn thing, love is.  Sometimes, despite all reasoning and logic, love seems to prevail.  Sasha and I  couldn't leave each other and thus we gradual found the way back home to one another.  Somewhere during my struggles I evolved and realized that could no longer blame the other and the world and had to take responsibility for my life, my issues and my actions.  Here I thought I was "safe" having married one of the world's greatest shrinks as surely he would be able to deal with my issues.  Reality is, he's human too.

 Despite all this clarity, I still have the tendency time and again to revert to blame.  Reality is, I am very difficult to live with and I have only to blame my own inner triad: me, myself and I. 
 
 When I think about it, my poly life has perhaps been even more stressful than my monogamous one.  In monogamy I could at least remain in some fictional world of denial and dysfunction.  Polyamory somehow is more real, alive and in my face. 

 Polyamory  can end in divorce.   One couple we know, married for 9 years are now reconstructing their relationship by getting a divorce and remaining business partners and friends.  Another couple married for 10 years plus had a huge public party celebrating their divorce. She's getting married to someone else next month. They too have decided to remain friends.   Yet another long-time married couple are "married" once a week.  Every Wednesday they are totally committed to one another for that day, with complete devotion for the duration of their interaction, then total autonomy in the interim with no questions asked till they meet again the following week.

 Frankly, it amazes me when people attempt this alone.  I don't know how anyone out there does any kind of relationships; monogamous or polyamorous without counseling seminars, workshops, or immersing themselves in a psychotherapeutic community.
 
 Sasha and I have arrived at our bliss. What works well for us is inclusive loving, with each of us having a veto on one another's sexual involvement.   All sexualloving takes place in each others' presence.  Relating to other couples has to be right for each and every one of us, no small requirement, since we're bi, eccentric and intense and need all-round approbation with our lovers.  We have discovered that tantric healing, regression therapy and reprogramming work.  We're now dating couples and singles committed to full-clearing as well as polyamory.   It is a life-process.  We now enjoy the ride.

 When loving others together, when we or someone we are dating becomes upset, we honor the upset whenever they occur and stop whatever's going on, even sexual celebration, and focus our attention on the upset person.  If we cannot resolved the upset in the present, we ask the destabilized person to return experientially to earlier times or even pastlife images of similar upsets that may be fueling her current upset.

 With each revelation we continue to gather the pearls.  Now they are not only our own, but include our dear beloveds. 

 One recent revelation I had regarding the perceived dichotomy (monogamy vs. polyamory) which creates the division, controversy, stress, seizing children, adversity and even sometimes violent reactions to polyamory, is how conflicted we feel when not coming to grips will the parts of ourselves which create our personal hells.  My own personal struggle, "am I polyamorous, am I monogamous" has created a great deal of distress for myself. 

 As I fell asleep the other day, I had a realization which I expressed to Sasha.  I said, "Is it ok that I am monogamous?  I mean, I really am.  I am mono (one) famous (married).  I am married to one and I really have no desire to ever marry another.  Yet, I truly am poly (many) amorous (love) as I love many and want to make love to them."

 He smiled and his eyes sparkled as he said "Of course!"  I fell asleep and had the greatest peace I've known in the longest time.

 Perhaps if we went ahead and printed the article and introduced this concept, that both are fine, that all parts and voices are in us and valid and that we truly can at last give ourselves permission to have our cake and eat it too, then others may relax and find peace as well. GODDESS GIFTING GODDESS

 Before my husband, Sasha,  and I engage with another couple, I make contact with the other woman first before anything else.  If the two women do not connect and like one another, then exchanging sexual energy will not work for the rest of us and if forced, would only cause conflict.  The sexual and loving energy must flow naturally.  All parties must honor the energy that is rather than trying to force that which is not. If lovemaking does not work for all then it does not work for any.  The couples are a system and that connection must be honored at all times.

 For me the dance of the foursome begins with the women.  Having discovered my bisexual side well into my adulthood, I find two-couple interludes to be particularly delightful for they reconnect me with the feminine in ways that I have not known since pre-adolescent childhood. 

 For many women the separation of the Goddess began long ago with our sexual development  When boys started to notice us, competition became the theme.  As young ladies, if we girlfriends were not competing with one another, we had the tendency to abandon each another to the attentions of men.  Whenever one of our boyfriends called we jumped and went running rapidly dismissing any plans we had made between us girls.

 I remember how close the four of us where.  I met Pam when I was 8, Tracy when I was 9 and Rose joined our group when I was 13. We were an awesome team, young, attractive and yes, sexy. We were inseparable, always throwing pajama parties or sleep-outs together and talking about boys.  We were like the Four Musketeers; united against the dark forces of the world. We could hardly wait till the end of the school day to see each other and in summer we were together from dawn to dusk.  If we weren't hanging together in person, we were on the phone with one another gossiping away.

 We shared our deepest sexual secrets and desires.  All seemed to be right with the world until several events happened.  In the spring of 1967 Karl discovered me and started hanging outside my bedroom window calling for me to come out and play.  Suddenly boys were on the scene and I had become an object of desire.

 I reluctantly responded as my Aquarian curiosity got the better of me and soon discovered the concept of romance.  It was pleasant enough all right, but I really wanted to hold off on this boy stuff until I was about 17.  Even with that, all would have been fine except for one thing.  While Karl was falling in love with me and I with him, my closest friend Tracy was falling for Karl.

 Enter complication two.  Karl introduced the gang to his best friend, Jerry.  Jill and Jerry started hit it off and started dating.  Then things really started to escalate.  Jerry was a horny little fella and began sneaking around behind Jill's back trying to seduce me!  He kept showing up at my house.  I had to literally fight him off and kick him out the door.

 Years later, I found out Jerry had secretly declared that before the end of summer of love (1968), he was going to have sex with all four of us.  I also found out not only was he was sneaking and visiting me behind Jill's back, but Pam and Tracy as well!  What a slime!  And yet looking back, for some reason we all participated in this group deceit.

 Despite all that was going on behind the scenes, a couple of years went by and our gang for all appearances seemed to be a happy, friendly family. There was a genuine love developing in our circle of friends which consisted of the Four Musketeers, a steady boyfriend for each of us and at least one male lurker for each of us girls.  These single males loomed waiting for our "steady" boyfriends to screw up and we'd dump them.  These were the final years of 60's, the height of the hippie movement; an idealistic time of new forms of family, high ideals and free love.  We found ourselves caught up in the mood of the times.

 After years of lying to one another and fighting off Jerry's affections, guilt, competition and embarrassment began to break down the Four Musketeers.  Our tribe lost a level of open and honest communication and the obvious end of us was near.

 I was both attracted and repulsed and was experiencing a strange paradox within myself which I couldn't resolve, I became disgusted and ashamed of myself for not speaking up to Jill, yet was afraid of hurting her.  How could I tell one of my best girlfriends (Jill)  and my boyfriend (Karl) what his best friend (Jerry) was doing?  And underneath that, how could I confess what I was doing. 
 
 Bottom line, I was turned on.  Jill told me how wonderful Jerry was as a lover and Karl and I were too afraid of pregnancy to let go and fully experience lovemaking.  Consequently, I was still quite virginal and wanted to know what making love was like.

 Christmas of 1969 Jill got pregnant.  It was a shock to all of us.  I guess we never thought it would happen to any of us, we had deluded ourselves.  Since Jill  was only 15 and Jerry 14, and neither sets of parents would give permission for them to get married.  This was pre-abortion days and abortions were illegal.  Jill was about to become an unwed mother.

 That was almost the final blow for the fantastic four. We held on for one final summer then things deteriorated to another level when Pam and Tracy followed suit, almost as though responding to some deep primal call, and got pregnant as well!  I was too smart for that and politely bowed out of that competition.

 Some of us married, some didn't, bottom line the search for husbands and fathers began. I got married at 16 and I wasn't even pregnant!  Looking back, I'm not certain what I was thinking.  From this perspective, 30 years down the line, my behavior was quite bizarre.  Funny how time changes perspectives.  I'm certain I thought it was a good idea back then.

 At first the Four Musketeers talked once in a while.  As our lives grew more complex with children and husbands and boyfriends, our communications dropped from seldom to once in a while to our current situation which is not at all and where in the world are they?  I'm left wondering what happened?  And yes, ouch, it does hurt.

 In disconnecting with our feminine we women disempowered ourselves, not only personally but on a global level.  In the days of tribe in  community we women KNEW who we were. In knowingness we contributed and maintained a balance with the masculine and the partnership society reined across the world.   

 Somehow, and on some level quite voluntarily, we women co-created the patriarchy with men by removing ourselves from primary contact with other women and entering into the world of the masculine.  In monogamy and the nuclear family women became more isolated from each other.  Working in a male-dominated world we women focused on our inner male in order to succeed.

 So for me polyamory and bisexuality is a way to reconnect to women--my mirrors, the divine feminine--in a path of self-discovery and exploration examining our current roles in relation to one another and developing new models of greater intimacy and deeper connection.

 One day in therapy I remembered my earliest sexual experience which I had repressed and totally forgotten.  I was about ten years old and my girlfriend Pam was eleven. She was developing breasts and I was absolutely fascinated by them.  I would grab them then we'd both giggle.  On some level both of us getting turned on and excited.  The acts themselves were forbidden. Parts of me were ashamed yet neither of us ever verbalized our thoughts.  We just experienced our desire by acting upon them while simultaneously suppressing them, erupting in an explosion of laughter, which we couldn't quite understand.

 I woke in the middle of the night in a puddle of what I believed was urine.  I cried from embarrassment and shame and my friend's mother rushed into the room,  calmed my fears, changed the sheets and assured me it was ok, accidents happen to everyone.  The incident puzzled me for there was no smell or color and I had never lost control of my bladder before or since.  I was so embarrassed but somehow managed to fall back asleep and never spoke of it to anyone.

 Upon reflection and from the perspective of what I know now, I realize that I hadn't wet the bed from urine, that I had experienced the equivalent of a feminine "wet dream" where I ejaculated amrita from the excitement and stimulation of the activity with my girlfriend.

 I've learned that poly dating is a format where my hidden dreams can become reality.  I've hungered for the connection with the beloved female for so long and repressed it due to my programming which judged such things as "bad."

 When Cleo and I met eyes across the room our hearts connected and our eyes lit up.  We "fell" in love instantly, just like male to female, lovers at first sight. 

 I was taken aback, a bit shocked.  I hadn't felt that type of connection with a woman since "R" several years ago and I thought I'd never feel that again.  Sasha and I were involved with another couple.  My heart broke when we broke up over my jealousy and hurt.  We four didn't seem to have the tools to discuss it, let alone resolve it (see ERE: External Relationship Energy?, Loving More #17, Spring ‘99)

 Cleo and I held back politely while the others ran through formal introductions.  She approached me first, with a hug and a smile and declared "I would like to be with you."

 She wanted to be with me! Despite the presence of two incredibly delicious men,  two traditionally hetero-leaning ladies connected soul to soul and chose above all else to be with one another.

 In the middle of my enthusiastic embrace I shifted and looked toward Sasha for "permission", which some part of me feels is necessary and the other part realizes that it is not required as Sasha supports me fully in my mission of reconnecting with Goddess.

 I prefer the inclusionary model where Sasha and I are there together always in our sexual connections.  He had to leave for work and he assured me that we would maintain our linkage; our energetic connection despite the fact he would not be physically present.

 The magic was obvious for all four of us.  Sasha and Tony and I had been friends for many years.  We had always wanted to get together and yet we never could seem to find the time.  Now Tony and Cleo were lovers and the circle seemed complete.

 It was agreed that the men had work to do and it was delightful that the ladies felt strong connection, so they should go have some private time together  and then the four of us would convene at the Lessins' home after sun down.

 Cleo and I met after our showers and we were giggling, we were so nervous.  Neither of us had any extensive experience with loving ladies.  It was difficult to begin.  Our monkey-brain chatter kept us laughing and engaged, distracted from what we were feeling. It was good, in a way, we needed to diffuse some of the excitement, the energy was so intense.  With every word we spoke, every mannerism, the nuances of our extremely-expressive faces, our body language, we melted our fears and opened our hearts.  We poured out our thoughts and feelings, so hidden, repressed, suppressed from a lifetime of religious supplication.

 After a while, we realized how we were distracting ourselves with giggles and talk from our true desires of physical intimacy and consciously decided to slow down our breath and focus on our intentions.  Nervous and hot, I said,  "Let's take off our clothes,"  

 She laid on her back and invited me into her arms. I joined her, flesh upon flesh.  Our eyes met.  She spoke "is this what men fall in love with?"  We smiled and silently agreed.  Our faces softened into curiosity.  We kissed our first kiss followed immediately by  childlike giggles in a final unconscious attempt to sabotage ourselves.  Then came recovery, composure, then passion exploding and the giggles dissolved into squeals of delight.  It felt like a homecoming, so natural, so sweet.  I longed that all my sisters would know such tenderness and delight.  What a delicacy for the soul.  My heart soared.  I felt born anew reconnecting with long-lost parts of me and finding yes, indeed this too is good.

 Cleo had to leave.  She promised Tony she'd meet him at the appointed time.  Sasha returned from work and had time to reconnect.  All was perfect.  At sundown Tony and Cleo arrived at our home.

 Our eyes lit up when we saw each other.  Our hug was eternal.  It seemed we couldn't stop hugging one another.  Even when we finally parted, our hands groped for one another as the four of us sat in a circle on the floor politely chatting.  We patted each others' legs and held hands in an attempt to comfort one another in our nervous anticipation.

 The guys wanted us to connect together, alone at first, since all of this was so new for us, and perhaps overwhelming.  We assured them that we wanted them here with us, to witness our love and share our joy.  They insisted on leaving, so we agreed and focused on one another.

 We melted into one another again, amazed at the intensity of our hearts.  Nothing more was required.

 The guys returned full of smiles.  They were quite pleased and full of themselves, looking forward to an evening of loving and playing.

 I felt so full of love that wanted to gift Cleo with my beloved and his tantric skills.  Sasha is so incredibly proficient at freeing the female ejaculate.  She had never experienced her flow and felt inadequate as all of her girlfriends had.  Once again a sister felt competitive, throwing herself into comparison with women who weren't even there.

 As I looked at my two special beauties, my love for both of them overflowed.  I wanted dear Cleo to experience the bliss that she as a Goddess is entitled to know. 

 Sasha and I became one organism, one instrument of love.  With Cleo in the middle we connected and sent our energy and love out through her chakras removing in that instant any blocks to her complete and total fulfillment as a woman.

 She flowed, and flowed, and flowed.  The Goddess gave birth to herself.

 Tony had remained silent, the witness, the observer.  We gathered our foreheads together in a hug and savored the energy of the miracle we had all just witnessed.  It mattered not whose body gave or received or watched.  We all felt it as if it was our own body reveling in bliss.  For that moment in time the veil was pierced and we were truly all ONE.

 It was late, nearly 2 AM. The guys begged to be excused.  They had early morning appointments and needed to get a few winks of sleep.

 Cleo and I cuddled and held onto each other wanting time to stop, our energies to sustain us, fighting weariness.  Soon it was past 3AM and we could do no more.  We weren't going to solve all the mysteries of the universe.

 We kissed goodnight and parted to go join our men in our separate beds.   

 Cleo left the next day.  Her home lies elsewhere..

 I love Cleo.  I really do.  I miss her.   I acknowledge within myself  there is a longing.  No, I hunger.

 My practical self knows that her life lies elsewhere. I feel our love at all times and value it no matter what we manifest in terms of time and interaction.  I KNOW that we will see each other and love again.  In the meanwhile, I dance with Sasha. 

 Addendum: I wrote this article six months ago.  Three things happened between then and now which show how strange life can be:

 Jill had an embolism and dropped over dead right in front of her daughter (the one she conceived when we were all hanging out together.) Now I'll never be able to confess and apologize to her.  I guess it wasn't meant to be.

 Cleo and I met again this summer in the mainland and the energy just didn't flow.  In a few short months we had changed and become different people.  Once again, I guess it wasn't meant to be.

 Out of the blue I received an email from "R" and we are now back in each others lives in full force.  Sasha and I are ecstatic reveling in our bliss with our newly returned beloveds.  I guess that WAS meant to be.