Poly-Tantra combines the best of tantra and
polyamory. While polyamory and tantra are paths
that each may be practiced by themselves, they go
together like two peas in pod.
Tantra, also known as
sacred sexuality, is an ancient high art form that
means ""weave"". With tantra you learn to master
and weave energy in yourself and between you and
your lovers. You connect deeper with your lovers.
You feel your oneness with them and the world. The
ability to weave energy between beloveds can prove
to be essential when you decide to move beyond
dyadic relating and practice polyamory.
more than one person in an honest and intimate
relationship--you balance energy between two or
among more than two lovers--a delicate dance. You
embrace two or more people in your heart and keep
them in your consciousness lest they feel
left-out, hurt, abandoned. We're all psychic and
can feel it if we're not primary in someone's
awareness. You nurture and support the Inner
Children within each of your partners.
The Inner Child, the
part of each of us who longs for and experiences
deep, intimate connections, meets other people
Inner Child to Inner Child, when you feel safe to
be vulnerable. To make poly work, tune into, let
yourself care about your lovers' Inner Children;
reveal your own Inner Child to them. .
Ever notice how a
child can play happily outside, unaffected when
Mother''s busy inside washing dishes? When Mom's
keeping one eye on her child, the child seems
content. But the moment the phone rings and Mom
shifts her attention to her friend on the phone,
the child becomes aware that Mom's shifted her
focus, and the child runs in the house demanding
Mom's attention. A similar thing happens in
polyamory when you shift focus away from one lover
onto another. So you need to be energetically
sensitive when practicing polyamory so your lovers
feel supported by your consciousness. Develop
ways to stay connected with all your lovers.
Polyamory can be
practiced in groups or you may encounter each of
your lovers one at a time. Sometimes group love,
sometimes one-on-one loving serves you best.
Employ tantra and you can send energy and our each
of your lovers and they can feel you whether or
not you and and each of them are present in the
physical space at the time you or they make love.
When you're alone with
one poly partner and apart from your other poly
partner(s), you can be totally present with the
one before you, while simultaneously sending love
to those who are not. When you're with one lover,
phone your other lovers, the ones physically
absent. Or speak of your experience as soon as
possible with your absent lovers. Especially
share the love you felt for them, even though they
were absent while you made love with your other
sexualloving in groups can be an interesting study
in your humanity. Your actual experience up close
and personal when your lovers love another people
may differ from what you imagined you'd feel.
Some feel joy when watching their lovers love one
another. They feel empathy and total delight for
what their lovers are experiencing. They feel
compersion. Their lover's joy is their own joy.
They move into a total empathetic bond with their
lovers, almost like a divine spiritual connection
of oneness even though they may not actually be
feeling the physical connection themselves.
USING JEALOUSY TO
Other people feel
jealousy when watching their lovers. They
experience insecurity, anxiety, anger, even rage.
They may compare themselves to the other lovers in
the group. Some put themselves down, say to
themselves that another person their lover is
sharing sex with is richer, better looking,
brighter, smarter, thinner, prettier, bigger,
smaller, they have better breasts, better
penises. One woman in our group recently
complained, "I hate so and so. She has better
orgasms than I do.""
If you find yourself
locked in comparison, you can use your upset to
inspire yourself to improve yourself. If the
person with whom you compare yourself negative,
saying she or he's thinner, you can lose weight.
If you derogate yourself because you think your
lover's lover is richer than you, make more
money. If you tell yourself the person you feel
lesser than has breasts you like more than your
own, learn to love your own breasts or get that
breast reduction surgery you always wanted.
You can't do much
about some things--your skin color, body size; you
can't enlarge that penis beyond a length. But your
emotional pain's probably not about the things you
can't change. As bad as you feel when you compare
yourself unfavorably with your lovers' other
lovers, your pain can be your greatest blessings
because you can look inside and see how you can
learn to accept yourself.
OUR THREE WEEKS WITH 9
We had many
opportunities to compare and look inside recently
when our group gathered for an extensive
three-week, nine-person experiment in conscious
polyamory. While we were not all involved with one
another sexually or in an intimate relationship,
we were open to explore sexuality in a group. We
wanted to move past our limitations and discover
what keeps us from feeling connected to one
another. We hoped to get past our resistance and
feel connected. We used a wide variety of
psychotherapeutic tools to aid us in this process.
We also agreed to keep the lines of communication
open at all times. And communicate we did.
We moved into a model
of no blame or shame. Each of us pledged to take
personal responsibility for our own actions. We
went through intense and powerful emotions. We
learned we still have a lot of work to do on
ourselves individually and collectively.
What makes a
relationships work is the individuals and whether
or not they're differentiated enough.
Differentiated people don't need external
affirmation to feel validated. We noticed we
create problems when we depend on someone else for
our self-esteem. To the degree we lacked
differentiation, we put ourselves down with
self-depreciating self-talk and felt insecure at
our lovers' sexual sharing with others. But even
those in our group who'd done lots of work on
themselves and had high differentiation and-esteem
could experience fear, anxiety and jealousy. Yet
the more differentiated the members of the group
become in the course of our three weeks together,
the better our experience got.
self-differentiation with open communication,
honesty and authenticity, and you create healthy,
viable, stable relationships. Authentic
connections and acceptance lets members of the
group to accept themselves, feel love more freely
for others and love themselves. You create
relationships that survive difficulties that as
(who does what to whom) have less to do with the
success of your relationships than who you are as
an individual. Your willingness to face your
fears, evolve and grow by looking at your wounds
and healing them moves you past blame or shame to
the realization that you come from a wounded
society. Your personal wounds and those of the
culture are potential for your personal evolution
to grow and become the best person you can
What can you do if, in
those moments in your lovers' get-together, when
everyone' runs sexual energy, feels connected but
you even in their midst, feel lonely? We
deconstructed a situation like that with one of
our most experienced, tantra-poly practitioners.
Dr. Love (not his real name) was surprised when he
found himself feeling left out when his primary
beloved was involved in extended eye-gaze with
another. Love looked around to the others in the
group and saw each of them so wrapped-up with what
they were doing, they didn't notice he felt left
out. At that point he could pout or include
himself. Love tried repeatedly to make a
connection with the others, but over and over he
met with what he perceived as disinterest. He
began to feel more and more rejected and
eventually stopped trying to connect.
He just sat with his
feelings, cranked up his sadness and went within.
He remembered the times in his childhood when he
felt what he was feeling now. Unable to resolve it
then and there, he remained silent not wanting to
spoil anyone's fun and remained feeling sad and
lonely and fell asleep, only revealing what
happened in our sharing the next morning.
Love expressed his
pain, and the expression cured him of it. We
listened to him complain that he felt left-out,
unimportant to everyone else. None of us,
however, had even known he suffered from his
thoughts of being forgotten. We encouraged him to
cathart, express his pain fully. Love recalled
earlier times when he recreated this same
experience in more recent relationships and
decided to move past blaming others to take
responsibility for the behavior was within
himself. We used the situation in our love-in as
a therapeutic opportunity for him to access his
wounded Inner Child and heal so he wouldn't keep
creating situations that reminded him of times in
his childhood when he also felt disconnected,
left-out, emotionally unimportant to others.
Dr. Love's primary
beloved gave him the love and empathy he needed.
She'd been totally unaware of his pain and vowed
to be more responsive if he approached her in the
future. She asked him what she could do to help
him heal. Love remembered times he recreated this
same experience of being left-out in more recent
relationships and decided to stop blaming others
for his feelings and to take responsibility for
his own behavior. Love asked her to check on him
periodically when they are in group-loving
situations. He didn't want to give up group
sex--so rich and full of love--but wanted help
healing his shut-down Inner Child.
We''ll gather another
time to see if these healing behaviors generated
the results we all desired. Perhaps more pieces of
Love's personal puzzle will emerge the next time.
Or maybe someone else will be triggered. In any
case, we see it as a blessing, an opportunity for
all of us to heal, learn, grow and evolve.
I''ve taken Love's
lesson to heart, and I pledge to learn how to
master my energy and hold attention on two or more
people at once. Focus and intention are key
factors to developing this ability. I must
maintain awareness we'gathered in this nine-day
poly community. I'll help us all check with one
another frequently, verbally and with thought,
gestures, sounds and by focusing attention.
The group's gone now
from Maui, but in a few hours husband Sash and my
Shivaya, my other beloved come to me in sacred
ritual. We'll explore loving more and move
shaktipod--this sacred energy--all around.