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POLYAMORY:
THE MORE LOVING PERSPECTIVE
Dr. Sasha (Alex) Lessin & Janet Kira Lessin
CONSIDER
ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP CHOICES
Janet Kira Lessin
Reprinted from Loving More Magazine
#24:18
The
Poly Advisors, a service Dr. Sasha Lessin and I run for those
interested in polyamory, gets many inquiries (such as Don's
below), the gist of which is that they think we're advocating the
poly lifestyle.
Our poly
friends tell us the same story: people assume that polys
automatically proselytize for multi-lover living. We, and most
polys we know, don't push our preferences for ourselves on other
people. What we do advocate is recognition of relationship
alternatives. Choice.
I share below an
email correspondence with "Don" as a model of how
polyamorous people can deal with the assumption by others that if
you're poly,
you recommend the same for all.
Don:
Thanks for your lengthy and personal reply. Carol and I were able
to access your website and read and discuss all your articles and
advice there. We surmise you feel multiple-partnering is the
ultimate goal.
Janet:
Not necessarily. It certainly doesn't work for all. What Sasha and
I advocate is choice.
Most people don't realize they have
a choice when they are raised in a world where monogamy is the
only acceptable option.
Additionally, a bonded couple like
you and Carol would have a better chance to be successful at
non-monogamy if you're sure of your connection with each other. I
wouldn't recommend polyamory for any couple unless both mates get
a strong "yes" from deep within themselves and that
they're full, complete and overflowing with one another first. And
that may never happen for some, which is perfect for them.
I apologize if you got from our
site that we think polyamory is the way. It's just A way, a way
right only for those who feel it is right for them. And even then,
given human nature, what you feel's right for you may vacillate
with your life's circumstances among monogamy, polyamory, swinging
or celibacy. When it was appropriate for me, I was celibate. At
other times (most of my life), I was monogamous. Now, later in my
life, I'm polyamorous-multi-loving. Yet even within that, my daily
life for the most part is monogamous. I'm married ("gamous")
to Sasha and lovers with (amorous) several others.
Don:
Carol and I aren't ready for polyamory. We've both had affairs
before we married, 15 years ago. Since then, we've been
monogamous. We deeply love each other and sex keeps
improving-though slowly as we have 3 young homeschooled kids.
Janet:
I think that's wonderful and exactly where you need to be focusing
now, focusing on one another and those
three precious children who you have created. For many, the best
time to explore non-monogamy is over 30 and after the children are
grown.
As the
song goes, "For everything, turn, turn, turn. There is a
season, turn, turn, turn." Honor who and what you are at the
time, always. Our tantra classes emphasize relationships and the
pair- bond. So if you were to come to a seminar, that would be
your experience.
Bottom
line, most of our society is pair-bonded, be they monogamous,
polyamorous, bi- sexual or gay, so our initial tantra seminars
through the first few levels are focused on the dyad and
discovering tantra through the intimacy that is created by the
depth that one can achieve through divine meditation with your
mate, the perfect mirror that is before you.
Even in the
advanced levels where one may want to study the way of the daka
and dakini (holy sexual healer) and learn how to be a tantra
teacher and seminar presenter, our seminars honor your existing
relationship. If your personal agreement is monogamous, we make
sure that your agreements are openly and honestly discussed. Most
couples choose to stay together while they work with a single or
another couple. And that's how Sasha and I work. We only do
individual sexual healings together, as a pair. And I love it and
it feels right to me.
I feel bad
that somehow we have scared you away from us and that you may
think that we'd would require you to be polyamorous with us if you
were to work with us, or that you think we would be climbing up on
some pulpit and saying, "this is the way!" I thank you
because this dialogue has helped us gain clarity. We want to
support and facilitate all in their paths; your letter has shown
where we can improve. We value your input and will explain all the
sides of life and possibilities of relationship without making any
one type seem to be better than another for all choices are valid.
Contact the
author at: polyamory@ schooloftantra.com
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