Question: My wife's romantically attracted to another man, but says loves me very much and has no intention of leaving me. Is it possible for her to love us both?  What should I do?

Sasha: You (and most of us) were trained to see her attraction from a monogamous perspective. This monogamous paradigm insists she feel sexual attraction and love for you and for no other.  If she follows the monogamy plan, she'll deny her attraction to the other man, or, at a minimum, avoid overt affection toward him. 

     If she buries her attraction, she'll also, at the same time, bury her joy, enthusiasm and some of her warmth toward you. Perhaps she'll resent you for making her deny her love.  Or, following the national trend (most American adults have affairs or end their marriages in less than 5 years), she might leave you and lose the love she shares with you. Either way, if you and she follow the monogamous path, you risk losing or diminishing your love for each other.

Guinevere - John Moyr Smith

     The More Loving Paradigm, on the other hand, suggests love in her core is without limits: she can embrace you and others too.  In the More Loving view, when your partner feels attracted to another man, she interacts with him to learn from their interaction.  Perhaps she'll discover they have work to do together.  Maybe she'll even find she has a karmic connection--something she can complete with him.      

     The More Loving perspective regards all love as good.  When you or your wife feel love for others or they feel love for either or both of you, that, from this perspective, is a divine gift. Acknowledge the gift of love.  Move beyond the jealousy, beyond shaming your wife.  Support her exploring, enjoy and learn from her attraction.    

     You can move through uncomfortable feelings of jealousy to an inner place of unconditional love, where you welcome your wife loving another with empathy (compersion), the opposite of jealousy.  When you operate from compersion, you experience happiness when you see your wife loving others.  You move toward love and expansion rather than contract in fear, anger and jealousy.  Your heart opens and fills with ever more love.

    Regard your wife's attraction to the other man as a gift to you.  She's gifting you with the opportunity to expand your ideas of the range of acceptable behavior. 

     She's stimulating you to examine your relationship with her to see if you can love her better.  She's giving you the chance to open to the possibilities you, too, might enjoy exploring other attractions while treasuring your relationship with her more than ever.

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The POLY ADVISORS - DR. SASHA & JANET LESSIN ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS  Why People Choose Polyamory He Wants Sex More Than She Can She Create Alchemy If She Lacks Chemistry with Him Her Husband Loved Another Woman Wife Attracted to Another Man Fears Mate Will Prefer New Lover He Threatens Exit When She Lovers Another Fears Ostracism for Poly Orientation Starting Triad Cure Lovers' Sarcasm Has Two Loves Obsesses on One Her Encouragement Heals His Lovers Living With Wife's New Lover POLYAMORY RELATIONSHIP COACHING & COUNSELING    Threesomes     Couples Dating, Mating & Relating     Moresomes      Love-Ins Send your questions or comments on  this article or on polyamory to  Dr. Sasha & Janet Lessin at  polyamory@schooloftantra.com.   Say if you  want your answers by private email or, with  pseudonyms, in this poly advisors' page. POLYAMORY SEMINARS     Tantra & Heart Talk in the Catskills - Loving More East Coast Conference - July 2000     Relation Choice,  Polyamory & More Love For All - Aug 26, 2000, Maui, Hawaii Return to Polyamory Main Page