POLYAMORY: FOR THOSE WHO WANT THE WHOLE APPLE
by Janet Kira Lessin

The Lifestyles people make a clever play on the Garden of Eden theme with their logo of an apple with a chunk out of it and the words, "for more than one bite." While the lifestyles may be appealing to many (tee hee), I seek more than sexual episodes. Now don’t get me wrong, sexual episodes can be fun. I’ve played on the fringe of episodic sex with friends that I never intended to marry. And the lifestyles seem to be more than about episodes as many become regular lovers and develop deep friendships. The edges between the two relationship styles do tend to merge and meld and are cloudy at best.

I’ve also experimented with living with my lovers in community. The longest I’ve been able to make it last is about 40 days. I’ve seen many succeed and have incredible, wonderful, sexually-intimate live-in relationships with more than one partner. So far, I’ve only been able to live with community mates with whom I’m not sexual (except my husband, Sasha), and have intimate-sexual relationships with those whom I don’t live with. Frustrating.

What do I do wrong? And am I doing something wrong? Perhaps I’m seeking what I want (or think I want), but I’m actually getting what I really need.

The house is quiet now. In this moment, I’ve only myself. I hear the doves and several other species of birds calling to one another through the jungle outside my window. The warm sun gently streams across my fingers as they dance across the keyboard filling my screen with words that I speak to you. The peace within my soul fills my being with bliss. I am content.

After six full months of an endless stream of company and potential poly mates, I’m exhausted. My experiment in unity consciousness has taxed my being to the brink of breaking. I retreat back to my dyadic love with my beloved husband to find myself again, to reassemble the pieces of me and discover who I am. Last night we were alone together for the first time in ages. It was heaven.

What a wild ride. Why do I take it?

I believe in us, in the goodness of humanity and I respond to the cry within my soul and one that comes from the collective consciousness of human kind. My phone, email, IM’s and personal contact with others delivers to me the cry for more. I hear it all. As a therapist and pioneer on the cutting edge of the humanistic movement (as exhibited by my studies and promotion of the polyamory and tantra fields), I hear the yearnings of individuals, couples, triads and quattrads who want it all.

Monogamy has it’s place and surely will never die if humankind embraces all the variety that life’s experiences in interpersonal relationships can deliver. I have my "monogamous moments" and I’m the head of the World Polyamory Association. The fears from the religious right and "morality movement" are unwarranted. How could the delicate balance and fluidity of movement, excitement, turn-on and joy juxtaposed between three and more possibly replace the gentle intimacy, slow excitement, romance and bliss shared by just two?

Both are delightful items on the menu of life. Would I possibly want to totally replace one with the other and eliminate something delectably delicious from my choices of how to be? And what about my relationship with myself? Would I never want to be alone with just me?

I want it all. I deserve it. I have it all. The menu of life is rich and full. History shows us that humanity’s been delving in multi-person gestalts (relationships) since our creation. The "gods" were definitely not monogamous. Our early Judeo/Christian leaders and kings of olde had many wives and concubines. In our time, DNA taken from hospitals show that one out of three fathers listed on birth certificates are not the biological father.

Humans mate with more than one. Humans have a huge capacity to love and can love in diverse ways. If our society stops making us wrong for who we are, we’ll no longer need to act out neurosis in violent ways. If individually we stop buying into the shoulds of the masses who preach one thing and do another, then we’ll create authentic relationships based on a secure foundation of truth. Truth sets us free, free to be, who we truly are.

Could you please pass me that apple?