Sasha and I have
been in an accelerated dating frenzy since our lovers of four years dumped us
two days before 09-11. At that time we made a conscious decision to give it all
our gusto and date like there was no tomorrow, for we surely didn’t know if
that was a distinct possibility or not. And here we are a year and a half later,
and the world situation is even more precarious.
We had high hopes
we’d have our tantric-polyamorous family firmly in place and we’d be well on
the way to getting off the grid and establishing our self-sustainable community.
We saw our imaginary family, those special 6-12 adults, fall in love, grow
closer by the days and make love as a group at least twice-monthly. The house
was over 90% complete and the family business, The School of Tantra, doubled her
revenues from the added labor of all our extra helping hands.
Truth is, our
world’s nothing near what we imagined it’d be. We’ve had a series of
not-so-great relationships which would almost seem humorous if they hadn’t
been so painful. We differed with live-ins on issues across the board: from
ethics to finances to labor to lovemaking to sharing time. The builders took off
with our building fund and just before they left, my female lover ran off with
the lead builder to be monogamous only to end up returning to her greatest love,
cocaine. To top it all off, another woman I’d fallen in love with, one of the
finest souls on this planet, died in a flood.
The only one that’s
left here with us is Melanie. She’s wonderful. I admire her more the longer I
get to know her. However for now, we’ve decided we’re just friends. SP went
over to Oahu for a job and the next leg of his cosmic pilgrimage. He says he’ll
remain connected to us always, and considers himself to be our Oahu connection.
Bottom line, we’ve rented out most our units to "strangers". So much
for community.
Sometimes, you
just gotta laugh.
Time for
reflection. Sasha and I decided to take February off, my birthday month. I
turned 49. Wow. That was big. Last year in my 40's. It was good taking a break.
Alone time. Time to find ourselves. Sasha and I grew closer. So lovely. We
continue to grow closer every day. Divine. However, I believe the greatest
benefit I gained this month was that I found my most precious gift ever.... Me.
I’ve always been
a Pleaser. I don’t think I’ve ever really known what I’ve truly wanted. As
long as I can remember, I’ve been a reactionary system responding to external
and never-ending stimuli. "Give me this," "Do that." "I
want this." Even the unspoken words, energy and body language from those
around me, unseen but felt, were extreme pressures to hypersensitive me to
succumb to their wishes and please them. All of them. Each of them. It’s been
exhausting.
Sasha and I made
some major decisions. We realized living together with people is much harder
than having sex with them. Dah, I know. Major revelation! However, I’m not
into casual sex. Dilemma. Maybe. Not really. We came up with a plan.
We decided we’d
go with what is and be in the now. We decided not to be so anxious and push
things when they just aren’t happening. It’s ok. We came to the conclusion
that there IS something to that old magical attraction of chemistry. Chemistry
shows that souls have a message for one another–karma to share. Maybe there’s
something to be said for falling in love. And what could possibly be wrong with
having sex for a while? Check that out fully before going any further. Think
really long and hard before moving in together and if we decide to do so, get
that pre-nuptial written and signed. In fact, take the extra time to write down
just exactly what we’re agreeing to before we decide to cohabitate. And hey,
living across the island in separate houses maybe isn’t such a bad idea.
