POLYAMORY: THE MORE LOVING PERSPECTIVE
Dr. Sasha (Alex) Lessin &  Janet Kira Lessin

NOT ANOTHER DOGMA
CONSIDER ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP CHOICES

Janet Kira Lessin
Reprinted from Loving More Magazine #24:18

     The Poly Advisors, a service Dr. Sasha Lessin and I run for those interested in polyamory, gets many inquiries (such as Don's below), the gist of which is that they think we're advocating the poly lifestyle.

    I share below an email correspondence with "Don" as a model of how polyamorous people can deal with the assumption by others that if you're poly, you recommend the same for all.

Don: Thanks for your lengthy and personal reply. Carol and I were able to access your website and read and discuss all your articles and advice there. We surmise you feel multiple-partnering is the ultimate goal.

Janet: Not necessarily. It certainly doesn't work for all. What Sasha and I advocate is choice.

Most people don't realize they have a choice when they are raised in a world where monogamy is the only acceptable option.

Additionally, a bonded couple like you and Carol would have a better chance to be successful at non-monogamy if you're sure of your connection with each other. I wouldn't recommend polyamory for any couple unless both mates get a strong "yes" from deep within themselves and that they're full, complete and overflowing with one another first. And that may never happen for some, which is perfect for them.

I apologize if you got from our site that we think polyamory is the way. It's just A way, a way right only for those who feel it is right for them. And even then, given human nature, what you feel's right for you may vacillate with your life's circumstances among monogamy, polyamory, swinging or celibacy. When it was appropriate for me, I was celibate. At other times (most of my life), I was monogamous. Now, later in my life, I'm polyamorous-multi-loving. Yet even within that, my daily life for the most part is monogamous. I'm married ("gamous") to Sasha and lovers with (amorous) several others.

Don: Carol and I aren't ready for polyamory. We've both had affairs before we married, 15 years ago. Since then, we've been monogamous. We deeply love each other and sex keeps improving-though slowly as we have 3 young homeschooled kids.

Janet: I think that's wonderful and exactly where you need to be focusing now, focusing on one another and those three precious children who you have created. For many, the best time to explore non-monogamy is over 30 and after the children are grown.

     As the song goes, "For everything, turn, turn, turn. There is a season, turn, turn, turn." Honor who and what you are at the time, always. Our tantra classes emphasize relationships and the pair- bond. So if you were to come to a seminar, that would be your experience.

     Bottom line, most of our society is pair-bonded, be they monogamous, polyamorous, bi- sexual or gay, so our initial tantra seminars through the first few levels are focused on the dyad and discovering tantra through the intimacy that is created by the depth that one can achieve through divine meditation with your mate, the perfect mirror that is before you.

    Even in the advanced levels where one may want to study the way of the daka and dakini (holy sexual healer) and learn how to be a tantra teacher and seminar presenter, our seminars honor your existing relationship. If your personal agreement is monogamous, we make sure that your agreements are openly and honestly discussed. Most couples choose to stay together while they work with a single or another couple. And that's how Sasha and I work. We only do individual sexual healings together, as a pair. And I love it and it feels right to me.

     I feel bad that somehow we have scared you away from us and that you may think that we'd would require you to be polyamorous with us if you were to work with us, or that you think we would be climbing up on some pulpit and saying, "this is the way!" I thank you because this dialogue has helped us gain clarity. We want to support and facilitate all in their paths; your letter has shown where we can improve. We value your input and will explain all the sides of life and possibilities of relationship without making any one type seem to be better than another for all choices are valid.

    Contact the author at: polyamory@ schooloftantra.com