Bonobo chimps solve problems that bedevil humans. Bonobos eliminate competition among females, resolve conflict, love intensely and intimately and keep connecting sexually their whole lives.

The bonobo are female-centered and sexually egalitarian. Females ally to inhibit male aggression; sexual behavior (in every partner combination) replaces aggressive behavior. Unrelated bonobo tribes make love rather than
fight.

When two tribes of bonobos meet, the lead females of each group inspect, then engage in sex with each other. Then they lead their mates to each other for intercourse. Each lead male then has intercourse with the lead female of the new tribe. Then all chimps of both tribes enjoy sex with one another.

Anything that arouses the interest of more than one bonobo tends to result in sexual contact. A jealous male might chase another away from a female, after which the two males reunite and engage in scrotal rubbing.  Bonobos are tolerant, they use sex to divert attention and to diffuse tension. .The species' most striking achievement is sensitivity to others.  (DeWaal, F: Bonobo Sex and Society)

Sasha and I use the bonobo model for the meeting of two tribes when we date couples; it seems to work well.

At the start of our date with another couple, the four of us commit to open, honest expression and to treat emotional upsets and jealousy, should they arise, as blessings-paths to deeper awareness and spiritual growth.  We encourage an upset date to identify his or her feelings.

First Sasha makes love with me and the other couple also makes love. Then we women connect before we exchange men. If the other woman and I do not bond and connect, if we don't feel flowing and natural, we keep our relation social and do not become sexual. I don't manipulate, convince or pressure her to more intimacy than she chooses.

If the other woman and I click energetically, I watch her love Sasha and Sasha and she watch me love her man.

Sometimes, in a foursome situation, we may not know why we feel scared or jealous.

"We women", says Janet, "distanced ourselves from each other as we developed sexually and vied for men; we abandoned each other for them. Or we imprinted the woman-vs-woman competition habit. My girl gang in Avalon, PA, agreed without words to break dates with each other to go out with men.  We acted like it was okay. In reality, it hurt".

This uncertain past with one each other disempowers us as individuals. It blocks the synergistic potential of our sisterhood. We need to become pals, to enjoy, encourage and help each other. Like the bonobos.

Bonobos are bisexual. Bisexuality gives females an additional level of intimacy that goes beyond just friendship.

I only discovered my bisexuality well into adulthood and I am delighted that I now have this added dimension for relating. Connecting with my female lovers enhances polyamorous interludes and reconnects me with the feminine in ways I haven't known since pre-adolescence. Before adolescence, I was in love with my girlfriends. We adored one another. We gave each
other "friendship" rings, like we were going steady. Now that I'm again lovers with women, I return to childhood innocence, to early days before adults shamed us for feeling what we felt--true affection and love for our dear, sweet girlfriends.

Bisexual or not, when two women in a two-couple date connect energetically, if not sexually, we bond to help and encourage each other. It's so much easier to feel safe and really trust a woman that you know, feel and love.

We share more with bonobos. We and they use sex to nourish love feelings, bonding, intimacy, not just to procreate. They, like us, make love face to face, eye to eye.

Both humans and bonobos, at the level of actual genetically documented sexual behavior, have many partners. In one study, one out of three recorded birth fathers were not the genetic fathers. If we were to acknowledge that humans are, in reality, one group of lovers much like the bonobos, we would no longer see our children as personal property to molest and abuse, we would know our children are the children of us all, of the tribe.

In some ways, bonobos differ from us. Their females run things and bonobo males are peaceful, nonviolent--the exact opposite our patriarchy and violence.

The middle path between bonobo-style matriarchy and the patriarchy of human's dominant culture is consensus democracy, grounded in loving sisterhood of the women, the legacy we share with our sexy simian sisters: cooperation and love of all.

For more on bonobo's and relationships, see: A MODEL FOR HUMANS TO GO APE