Begin your date at the altar. Rest your hand lovingly on your heart. Dedicate this lovemaking to yourself, to your personal healing and growth. Envision all the love you ever knew and realize that it exists at this moment for you. Open to the divine spirit within and the universal consciousness without, sanctify unity, harmony and balance. As above, so below.

Eat your delicious but light meal. Don’t stuff yourself or you’ll drowse and diminish your episode of romance. You have a night of romance ahead. Take your time and savor every bite; appreciate it’s aroma, taste and texture. Treat yourself to a variety of interesting and stimulating flavors. Save your dessert for the next part.

Check the bath waiting; it should be the perfect temperature by now. If it isn’t, add water to get it just right. Make every action a sacred ritual for you as both giver and receiver, divinity and devotee.

As you soak in the tub, feed yourself dessert as you would your lover. Enjoy wine or sacrament. Close your eyes and meditate on the sensations of the warm water. Notice the music and fragrances. Open your eyes and see the candles cast dancing shadows. Delicately wash your feet, arms, body. Love your genitals last.

Lightly massage your entire body and pleasure your genitals by hand, toys or a stream of water from a hose attached to your bath faucet. Practice with a wide variety. Notice what you like, what works and what doesn’t. Make a mental note for future partners.

Breathe as you learned in Chapter Three. Envision the chakras and imagine energy moving from the base up the crown. See the kundalini energy coiled in your coccyx, like a snake at the bottom of a basket waiting for the lid to be removed. You open the basket. She is ready.

Bring yourself to the height of orgasm then purposely pull back the energy and stop the orgasm. You’re teaching yourself about your body and how it responds, what it likes. Experiment. This is your night.

Men, stimulate your lingam till you almost ejaculate. Notice when you are about to go over the edge then don’t go there. Stop stimulating your penis, take a deep breath. Exhale out all the air then suck in your belly . Visualize bringing energy up through all your chakras, out your crown and pull energy back through your base. Pulse your anal sphincter. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. Pause. Breathe. Begin the cycle again. Soon you’ll begin experiencing orgasms without ejaculation. Treat yourself to several hours of love. If you should ejaculate, take a break for twenty minutes then continue.

Women, when you orgasm don’t stop with just one. Alternate pleasuring your genitals externally, internally and simultaneously to experience the various types of orgasms. Continue stimulating yourself through several orgasms, then several more. Indulge.

When you’re finished, hug and kiss yourself goodnight. Sleep the deep sleep of the satiated beloved.

There's an old saying, "When the student is ready the teacher will appear." The same applies to soul mates. In order to be ready for your soul mate you must be open to recognizing her or him when they show up. Sometimes they may not look or act the way you imagined them to be. Not everyone is a model or playmate and your true soul mate will more than likely not fall in that category. Even if they do at this time, we all age and lose our looks to some degree. like the song says, "Young and beautiful, someday your looks will be gone". Will you love your soul mate at all stages of their life? Will they love you?

Take a look at yourself. Are you sufficiently healed from your childhood traumas and other relationships in order to fully appreciate your soul mate when they arrive and treat them with the love and respect they deserve? Many times we find our soul mates only to lose them because we’re running the same dysfunctional number we did with other lovers, friends and family.

To better understand ourselves and relationships, perhaps we should take a look at the nature of love. There’s an old saying:  There once was a man who was looking for the perfect woman. After many years looking far and wide he found her. Problem was, she was looking for the perfect man.

Love, one of life’s greatest mysteries, has been the subject of story-telling, movies, song, books and myth since the creation of man. Romeo loves Juliet, Cleopatra loves Anthony, and in the throes of passion lovebirds risk all, to follow their passion, sometimes even life itself. Arguably the most overwhelming of all the emotions, what sparks this temporary insanity that most encounter sometime or other in their lives? Dating services, web sites, lonely hearts columns and magazines are brimming with the lovelorn looking for love lost. Even behind the proliferation of sex, when you look close you’ll find the underpinnings of love.

For many people, love obsesses them. It’s the only reason to get out of bed in the morning, they think about it day and night. When they’re in love they act irrationally, think uncontrollable thoughts and do and say stupid things where they stick their feet in their mouths. The palpitations, sweating, skin-flushing, light-headedness and weak limbs that occur when we fall in love are the same reactions we get when we encounter a lion trekking through the jungle. So what is this crazy thing called love?

What attracts two people to each other? When lovers meet and are discover one another, the rush of chemicals begins. Phenylethylamine speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells while dopamine and norepinephrine, chemical cousins of amphetamines, make us feel good and stimulate the production of adrenaline which literally makes our heart race.

The combination of the explosion of these three adrenline-like neurochemicals is what gives us that sense of infatuation (chemistry) that makes new lovers feel euphoric and energized, float on air and allows them to talk incessantly and make love all night.

Pheromone-laced potions make a usually unattractive woman so desirable she couldn’t keep guys away at the bar. During a test an oxytocin-based nasal spray gives men erections. Science is on the verge of controlling the uncontrollable: love. James H. Fallon, professor of anatomy and neurobiology at the University of California says, "We are at the dawn of a new beginning, where people may soon never have to suffer the pain of love’s slings and arrows. In ten years, maybe less, there could be a brain chemical nasal spray to enhance love between a couple".

This infatuation phase is often accompanied by intense passion, exhilaration and many times included an element of yearning that depends on an obstacle, such as distance, adultery, taboo and forbidden love. However, this "high time" is limited, typically lasts about two to three years and can vary based frequency of contact. For some, absence does make the heart grow fonder.

As the affects of Phenylethylamine (PEA) subside endorphines predominate and the attachment phase begins. Chemicals like oxytocin, released when cuddling and during orgasm, help lovers get used to each other, relax, calm the mind, kill pain and reduce anxiety. Attached lovers enjoy stability, are more sensitive to the feelings of one another and evolve their relationship to a trusting friendship.

Oxytocin seems to trigger the creation of deep feelings and the foundation for love and trust. During orgasm, oxytocin levels rise three to five-fold for men. The release of oxytocin during male orgasms help induce contractions of the prostate and seminal vesicle. Women reach higher levels of oxytocin than men during orgasm and multi-orgasmic women reached a higher peak during the second orgasm. Oxytocin levels are higher during the second phase of the menstrual cycle (after ovulation) than the first. The release of oxytocin during female orgasm induces uterine contractions which can help transport the sperm towards the egg.

Oxytocin, released during lovemaking increases fertility and the likelihood of conception. It’s biological purpose seems to include creating a lasting bond between two people. Could this be to insure the survival of the child?

However, one study showed that the amount of oxytocin produced by a woman can be greatly enhanced by the number of orgasms she receives. So if a man is a great lover, the woman may fall more in love with him than he with she and become more emotionally attached. The upside is that she’ll more than likely stay loyal to him since she is so emotionally invested and want to return to the source of her incredible orgasms for the release of more chemicals. The downside is that his chemicals tend to wear off sooner they’re not as intense to begin with and he may wander off in search of a new chemical fix.

The biological reason behind this discrepancy may be that it is more advantageous for a male to spread his seed among many while it is more beneficial for a woman, who usually bears one child at a time, find security and bond to one person who will protect her and her offspring.

Perhaps this chemical correlation may explain why some women bond so deeply, seem to fall more intensely in love than their male counterparts and get hurt more frequently.

The longer two people have been together the more likely it is they’ll stay together as they become addicted to endorphines, morphine-like opiates that calm and reassure. Endorphines create marital serenity with warmth, security and intimacy. It’s not the rush of PEA, but it’s steadier and perhaps more addictive. The absense of endorphines make long-term lovers yearn for one another when they’re apart and lovers grieve when partners die.\

Prairie voles form a lifelong bond during their first sexual chemical when they mate and the monogamy chemical, vasopressin is released. They become so faithful, that if you remove their long-term mate, they will not accept a new one. While they are extremely loyal, the downside is that males become totally aggressive to other males and exhibit a classic case of the jealous husband syndrome.

When people fall in love serotonin levels depletes to the same low level as those who suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Perhaps that’s why people in love act fanatical because they share the same feelings and symptoms of OCD sufferers, such as uncontrollable thoughts. In addition, people with low serotonin levels in the brain are more susceptible to falling in love and consequently engaging in sex.

Some people become love junkies and need the excitement of relationship chemistry to feel happy and intoxicated about life. Once the effects of the chemicals wane (about six months to three years), their relationships tend to fail and their off again looking for a feeling fix. If chemistry addicts should happen to stay married, they’re more likely to start affairs to fuel their highs.

The social bonding effects of oxytocin are very clear. It’s easy to be tricked into thinking someone is perfect for you when the chemicals start flowing. It would seem that many times love does tend to be blind. Realistically men and women often find themselves choosing mates who psychologically and emotionally abuse them. Some people, who may have higher levels of love addicting chemicals, irrationally remain in destructive relationships when they fall in love. So before you mix your oxytocin, you may want to be certain you’re doing so with someone you really want to be involved with.

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. describes the attraction of Your Imago in Getting the Love You Want, "Many people have a hard time accepting the idea that they have searched for partners who resembled their caretakers. One a conscious level, they were looking for people with only positive traits–-people who were, among other things, kind, loving, good-looking, intelligent, and creative. In fact, if they had an unhappy childhood, they may have deliberately searched for people who were radically different from their caretakers. They told themselves, ‘I’ll never marry a drunkard like my father’, or ‘There’s no way I’m going to marry a tyrant like my mother.’ But, no matter what their conscious intentions, most people are attracted to mates who have their caretakers’ positive and negative traits, and, typically, the negative traits are more influential."

The Imago theory is that our subconscious brain attempts to heal the pains of childhood by re-creating the conditions of our original wounding in order to correct them. While you may have received enough nurturing to survive, you didn’t receive enough to feel satisfied, and your psyche attempts to return to the scene of your original frustration so that you can resolve unfinished business.

This is why so many people keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, relationship after relationship. So if we’re so unconscious when choosing mates, guided by chemicals and repressed psychological needs, how in the world is it ever possible to make good selections for our mates? But wait, there’s more.

One theory developed by John Money is that individuals develop mental maps or templates during childhood that determines what turns you on and what drives you to select one person over another to fall in love with. Children develop these love maps (between five and eight) in response to what they experience in life, mannerisms of friends and family, temperamental features of those around them that appeal to them as well as associations to disturbing actions. Gradually a subliminal pattern of turn ons an turn offs develops.

When you grow up, these elements become an unconscious composite of the image of the "ideal sweetheart", complete with physical characteristics. When you become a teenager and have sexual feelings, love maps solidify. So when someone comes into your life that meets enough of your preset parameters, you have strong feelings and often times fall in love, dismissing any deviations from your actual ideal.

Some features, (such as dangling vulva, stretched necks, filed teeth, scorched skin, pierced bodies), found attractive in one culture may prove to be repulsive in another. Despite regional dissimilar standards of beauty, most everyone agrees that good complexions and cleanliness are sexually attractive. Plump, wide-hipped women are preferred over slim ones in most parts of the world.

The components of desire vary between men and women based on human sexual psychology that has evolved over millions of years which reflects our ancestor’s adaptive problems. While our environment may have changed, humans still possess this underlying sexual psychology and act accordingly.

Qualities women look for in a man:

Generosity - women want those who are not stingy and are willing to share their resources with her and her offspring.

Economic Capacity - Like the gray shrike (a bird that lives in the Negev Desert in Israel), women prefer men that have a large cache and command resources. Food, shelter and the ability to defend create the stability that women need for themselves and their children and prefer mates who can provide these benefits.

Social Status - Resources tend to flow to those at the top of hierarchies, and trickle very slowly down to those at the bottom. Many privileges go to men of power and prestige. Social status indicate possession of resources that women find invaluable.

Age - Mature older men tend to command more respect, status and position than their younger counterparts. The worldwide average is that men are three years older than women. There are some exceptions where women prefer younger men, but these young men tend to come from wealthy, high-status families where women had secure expectations based on future inheritance.

Ambition and Industriousness - Hard work is one of the best predictors of anticipated income and potential. Studies show that women look upon men who lack ambition as extremely undesirable and are likely to end relationships with a man if he loses his job, lacks career goals or has a lazy streak.

Kindness - A signal to a mate of the ability and desire of a potential mate to commit energy, time and resources to a partner. Lack of kindness signals selfishness, inability to commit and a high likelihood that costs will be inflicted upon the mate.

Dependability and Stability - Mates with these qualities are more reliable and less likely to inflict emotional and psychological costs on their partners.

Intelligence - People who test high tend to go to better schools, get higher degrees of education which ultimately leads to better jobs. Intelligent men are also more interesting to talk to and be with, unless of course, they get stuck in their heads and are unable to do anything else.

Compatibility - Sustained cooperative alliances prove mutually beneficial and stable for long-term relationships. Discrepancies between values, interests and personalities can produce incredible conflict and strife. Couples who share values surrounding sexuality, gender roles and religion fare better and tend to stay together.

Size and Strength - Women prefer men who display physical and athletic prowess as they want to feel protected. Tall men have higher status in nearly all cultures.

Health - Women worldwide prefer healthy mates. Signs of poor health include bad grooming habits, STD’, open sores and lesions, pallor are generally regarded as turn-offs.

Commitment and Love - Men who are reluctant to commit (commitment phobic) are generally seen as undesirable mates. Universally, women want to feel love. Women look for signs of commitment and love, like fidelity in the channeling of resources to them and their children, breaking off with other relationships, talking of marriage, having children, etc.

Studies show that infants respond to the same standards of attractiveness as adults. When infants age 3 - 8 months were shown pairs of faces that differed in their degrees of attractiveness, they looked longer at the more attractive faces suggesting that standards of beauty emerge quite early in life. Older children, age twelve months showed less distress and withdrawal and more play involvement when interacting with attractive vs. unattractive faces. No training seems necessary for standards of attractiveness to emerge.

Many times we subconsciously seek our archetypal beloved. We seek those who fulfill our dreams and deepest fantasies--concepts of the God/Goddess and divine, sacred lovers.

With all these factors influencing our decisions for mates on a deep subconscious level, how can we become conscious and choose mates for ourselves that won’t harm us and are good for our personal ecology?

One of the tools we might utilize is Voice Dialogue. Follow the exercise below to begin the process of coming to your center and making conscious choices about relationships.

Sit in a comfortable, quiet place. Close your eyes. Imagine you are calling together a meeting of your "committee of the chakras". You sit at the head of a massive, oval table, just like the shiny wood ones in the movies. As you look around the table, ask each member to evaluate the person you are considering for relationship and give their report.

Your base chakra committee is composed of your survival voices, Inner Critic, Pleaser, Warrior and Inner Child. Ask your Pleaser if he feels this person will require him to work overtime keeping them happy. Is your Warrior up in arms about this individual or does he feel relaxed. Is your Inner Critic trying to get your attention, concerned about this and that? And don’t forget your Inner Child, does she feel safe to come out and show her face when this new potential lover is around?

Next call in your Genital Chakra Committee. Is your Inner Slut happy? Are they sufficiently turned on? How about your Pope? Will this one expose you to too many dangers? Sexually Transmitted Diseases or ridicule from your family or friends?

Ask your power chakra committee, your Inner Leader and Supporter and your Will-Ego. Will this one empower you to accomplish what you need in life? Can you get behind this one, full-heartedly and empower them to do what they need without compromising your integrity? Are you in alignment or is something sticking in your gut?

Move your focus to your heart chakra committee: Giver, Taker, Pleaser, Selfish, Romantic, Hero. How does this new partner feel to you, heart? Do you feel loved? Do they appeal to your sense of romance? Is this one capable of letting you love them? Do they feel worthy to love? Does this one need rescued?

Now the throat chakra committee wants to speak. Your Inner Orator decides, Can he speak without being interrupted? The Inner Secretkeeper is cautious, wondering will this candidate be safe to reveal my truth?

Now consult the brow chakra committee. What does your Intellect think about this candidate? What does your Psychic intuit?

Finally, when you consult your crown, do you feel spiritually connected to this person?

Take the time to feel the energies of all your voices. Carefully consider the messages you got from each individual in each committee from each chakra. Remember the voices that spoke up the loudest. How can you address their concerns with this new person? Don’t forget the quieter voices. They’re important to your general well-being too.

Take a deep breath. Slowly open your eyes and feel your center. You’re awake now, aware, conscious. Now, what is your answer?

Voice Dialogue, described by its creators, Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone is "the Psychology of Selves or the Psychology of the Aware Ego, and is not a therapeutic system in and of itself but belongs to all systems as an effective tool for enhancing consciousness and objectifying the many selves that inhabit the psyche." This method evolved out of their relationship and out of love and acceptance. It is a work that is basically non-judgmental and non-pathological in its approach to the human psyche. It seeks to discover what is rather than what is wrong. It is committed to the belief that there is no correct way of conducting one's life, there is just the process of life, itself."

Create a list of the features you desire of your ideal mate. Be specific. Make the list long and complete full of specific details of what you want. Put the items in order of importance, from top to bottom. Include physical attributes, psychological and emotional health desired, personality features, financial sitation, etc.

Make three columns on your list. On the right, the quality desired and beside each item a yes and no box to check. Make copies of your list, about 30 or more. Take one of these lists and mark all the yes’s with an X. Take that list and place it on your altar. Create a ritual, say a prayer, light a candle, meditate. Then masturbate.

As you orgasm, envision your beloved stands before you. Continue and orgasm again. See your lover touching you, holding you, loving you the way you always wanted.

When next you meet someone who "attracts" you, go up and speak to them. Attractions are nature’s way of saying that person has a message for you. Give them your card. Begin a polite conversation. Establish contact, friendship, a social relationship. Even if that person is not "the one", they may be the link for you and that special one.

When your begin to date, take out three copies of your ideal mate sheet. Put the name of the new person on the top of each one and mark beside the name, "one week", another copy with "one month" and the last "three months". Pull out the sheet after the appropriate time period and rate the relationship. After three months if there are more No’s then Yes’s, you may want to consider moving on and trying another relationship. By that point, things will probably not shift to a significant amount of "Yes’s".

When I landed a job overseas, my girlfriend and I tried this ritual because I felt bad leaving her alone so soon after her divorce. Within two days we met "Mr. Perfect". After a week we marked the sheet he had almost a perfect score. I soon left as scheduled. Within a week after my departure they moved in together.

However, after three months the score had shifted to mostly "No’s". By this time they were deeply bonded to one another and decided to stick it out. The relationship lasted two turbulent years, then ended.

The moral of the story is, while you may attract your "soul mate", they may not be your "twin flame".

While waiting for "the one" many develop loving friendships with tantra buddies they meet at tantra seminars, parties, pujas and gatherings around the globe. Something magical happens when you relax from the "need" to have someone and sink into what is. Love begins to come to you in the form of dear friends that you may or may not be sexual with. You sometimes get so involved in what’s happening, that you forget that you were searching for something in the first place. Often times when you’ve finally become exceedingly comfortable, when you’re deeply immersed and involved in your new life with loving intimates, a strange twist of events happens and "the one" miraculously appears. Then you’ve got a whole new set of dilemmas.

I’ve noticed so many of my single friends develop self-confidence, become more centered and attractive by becoming what some might call a "tantra workshop junkie". Many times they combine tantra with other transpersonal and relationship workshops, but in general a wonderful transformation happens for the individual who immerses in personal growth training much like the worm that emerges from the cocoon as a beautiful butterfly. These people soar. They have lovers galore and many times find deep soul-mates and marry.

If you are monetarily challenged, volunteer or submit proposals for scholarships. Most organizations need help with seminars. They’re a lot of work putting on.

Many find others through personals and on the web. There are numerous free listings so get on the personals on the web. That’s the most active place to find people. Search the personals and answer ads. Network with friends. Develop communication skills and start talking.

Sometimes the best place to find tantra beloveds is amongst your friends. Sacred sector healing, needed by many, often can be best facilitated by someone you’ve known for some time who cares for you and won’t become romantically involved. While this healing can be done with lovers with whom you are involved in deep, intimate relationships, sometimes friends can prove to be more effective as they love you while not being enmeshed or involved in negative bonding patterns with you, as romantic relationships traditionally are.

Tantric women’s healing circles involve women working with women. For some it may seem odd at first to be touched by someone of the same sex if you are not gay or bisexual, but actual studies show the effectiveness of viewing sacred sector healing as a loving act and not a sexual act and can be done with those with whom you lack a normal sense of attraction. In these seminars women are grouped in sets of three which are selected by the draw of cards. Oft times chance provides the perfect match-ups and many get to work on their issues with Mom or Daughter as they are matched with those in alternating generations.