When you and new lovers get
together to make love for the first time, you can better honor
your fertility and health concerns once you've heard each
other's sexual health information, asked questions and perhaps
performed a home-HIV test.
Each of you tells her or his
sexual history. Share your test results for sexually
transmitted and other contagious diseases. Say who and
how you've touched sexually since your last HIV tests.
Say what methods you used (or didn't) for disease protection.
State your fertility status.
Notice your partners' body
language and eye movements as they share their sexual history.
Body and eye movement can indicate truth (people lie most
about sex). Ask questions until you get enough
information to make intelligent decisions.
WEIGH WHAT WANT & DON'T
Focus, breathe, find your center. Notice signals
your body sends you. Is your belly tense, head aching,
breathing rapid? Then gather your thoughts and take
turns saying what you seek, prefer and what you do not want
sexually with each person at the love-in. Consider all
health, emotional and social factors and remember, you can say
CENTER YOURSELF BETWEEN
INNER GIVER & TAKER
You may hide your desires if your Giver-- an inner voice
that says to please others first–dominates you. Your
Giver knows how to make other people comfortable.
Trouble is, sometimes giving becomes more than an option, your
Giver becomes your main voice, the only one you hear inside.
Your Giver takes you over and can ignore your own needs.
If your Giver dominates you,
you do what other people want you to do so they'll like you.
You think, "I'm nice and just naturally try to make them
happy first." This may please them and you for a
But when you automatically
please others first, you suppress your ability to choose how
you want to interact sexually with your lovers at the love-in.
The Giver, always gratifying others, keeps your Taker--the
part of you that wants to meet your own needs–offstage.
Offstage in your
unconscious, your Taker gathers strength and bitterness and
can explode without consideration of your inner ecology or
relations with your polymates.
What works for me is
inclusive, pair-bonded loving (Mono-poly), with Sasha and I
each having a veto on one another's sexual involvement.
Sasha never exercises his veto, but I often do. In
inclusive loving, all sexualloving takes place in each others'
presence. Relating to other couples has to be right for
both of us, no small requirement, since we're bi, eccentric
and intense and we need all-round approbation with our lovers.
Show your protective voices that you can, from your
discerning center, experiment with new behaviors and still
feel secure. From your Center, face your sexual self,
overcome your family and cultural programming, burn karma,
heal trauma and drop inhibitions. If your love group
encourages emotional release and reprogramming, emotions you
experience in the love-in give you a chance to heal and learn.
STATE DESIRES & LIMITATIONS
Tell each person how you want to share sex with her or
him. You don't have to justify a request; just state it.
Hear but don't judge other's requests.
When you request, say,
double penetration, your love-in lovers may or may not give
you that. If they ask you to do something you need not
comply. Offer each other alternative intimacies.
Match your sexual interactions with your comfort level.
Perhaps, refrain from coitus at first. A man may, in
some instances, ejaculate only with his mate but share oral
sex with others in the group.
Many woman, like me, were forced, raped, controlled,
manipulated or dominated by male caretakers or lovers.
We may have attitudes that limit our sexuality.
If you have primary partners
present at the love-in, after each person expresses sexual
wants and limits, tell your partners how you feel about their
sexual desires for others and ask them to say how they feel
about your sexual requests. Reach consensus with your
partners before engaging in sex with others.
Always honor and respect the
wants, desires and needs of your partners to limit how you
relate to the others at the love-in. Give your primary
partners they want and thereby create space for their healing,
space where they can feel safe. Then they can open up
later on in the current encounter or future episodes rather
than retreat and shut down from this experience or from
Your partner, through
hesitancy, reflects a part that is not healed within him or in
your relationship and must be addressed before he can expand
sexually. The sexual sharing must satisfy your
partners as well as you for polyamory to work.
You may have requested
something on the line of the following: "Sue, I
would like you to have intercourse with me and Joe, I would
like for you to stroke my hair while Sue and I make
Sue may respond, "Tom,
I don't know you that well at this point and I am not
comfortable with saying yes right now, but I would be willing
to let you honor my pearl." [kiss her clitoral head]
Joe, who is Sue's husband
may add, "It's fine with me if you make love with Sue at
this time, and I am open to it whenever she is comfortable.
However, I would like to assist your joining, at that time.
And yes, I would love to stoke your hair when you two make
love and also pleasure you in any way you would both
Ann, your wife may
interject, "I wouldn't be comfortable with Sue and my
husband joining together and Tom assisting unless Sue and I
connect first and get to know each other intimately in that
fashion. Once we know and love each other, then I am
open to anything."
And so on around the group
until all have expressed their desires, preferences and
limitations. But, no matter what you expressed in the
beginning, you can change your mind at any time.
And honor emotional
interruptions to sexualloving. Honor a person's feelings
and don't take them personally. An upset person,
her history and her life's experiences trigger her and she'll
process and reveal what is up for her in her own time and way.
As a group, you can be there
for her in ways she previously never thought possible.
Let her release things long pent up and heal and reprogram
Before getting sexual with
your lovers, I suggest you Join hands in a circle.
Imagine energy circulating through you, from left to right;
receive energy from the hand that holds yours on your left,
send it down your right hand to the hand you hold on your
Make eye contact for 30 seconds or so with each person
at the love in, then lower your hands. Each shares
How would you would like the relationships among you to
What's the best that can
happen for each of us?
What's the worst for each of
Your sexual history?
Test results for sexually
transmitted and other contagious diseases?
Who touched you sexually
since your last HIV tests? How did you touch?
What methods did you use (or
not use) for disease or pregnancy protection?
What's your fertility
What do you seek, prefer and
not want sexually with each person?
Make eye contact with each person and tell her or him
how you want to share sex with her or him. You don't
have to justify a request just state it
Hear and repeat in your own
words each person's requests with the understanding that each
will consider the requests. Then respond to the requests
or offer each other alternative intimacies.
If you have primary partners present, after each person
expresses sexual wants and limits,
tell your primaries how you feel about their sexual
desires for others
Ask your primaries to say
how they feel about your sexual requests
Reach consensus with your
partners before engaging in sex with others